Tag Archives: Star Wars

Sing, Sang, Sung – “Raincoat Song” By The Decemberists

Hm… first, some random stuff to fill the space.

For a while, I thought about writing something about my confusion with state’s rights people, those that seem to want states to have more power than the federal government… but I got sleepy and decided not to, at least not today. I am, however, rewatching “The West Wing,” hoping to get past season 5 this go round, and it is thoroughly possible I’ll be writing more about politics as I watch that show, because it’s got some very neat stuff to say and tackles some very interesting issues, like hate crimes being thought legislation and whether it’s right to legislate mindsets.

I’m also almost finished with the second draft of my play. Thus far, 11 or 12 pages have been cut to the tune of some 6000-plus words. I still have eight pages sitting unedited, many of which thoroughly involve a character no longer appearing onstage during the play. I may end up slicing three or four more pages, depending on how the ending gets written. I’m not 100 percent certain how that’ll work, really, with the character changes I’ve made. But that’s something I’ll figure out. I want to have it done in two weeks, so I’d better.

Also, don’t tell my fellow intern/coworker this (which, if you know who I’m talking about, better mean you work where I work otherwise you’re kind of a stalker), but I did download Spotify, as it lets me indulge in my music weakness: Repeats. I tend to get on a “kick” when it comes to music, and I will end up listening to one genre, one band or even one song over and over again for a long time. Weeks, months… Haven’t gotten to years, but I’ve done a full month of a single song a few times with different songs… So… Point is, I’ve been on a Mumford and Sons kick. So don’t be surprised if you see me posting lots of random Mumford and Sons songs.

But the big news of the week is that Disney bought Star Wars. No, wait, that’s not it… Oh, right. It’s the massive storm battering the east coast, Hurricane Sandy. Politically speaking, I have no idea what will happen. There’s talk of delaying the election, there’s the possibility that some of the more strongly hit areas (New Jersey, Manhattan) could even potentially damage President Barack Obama’s numbers in those states (though not likely enough to cause a turnover), et cetera. Humanitarianly, it’s definitely not a good storm. There’s some pretty bad stuff going down. There haven’t been huge numbers of deaths, but there have been deaths, and even one is too many. And ignoring how George W. Bush’s FEMA director thinks Obama acted too quickly with relief efforts, the politics of Sandy aren’t really remotely important.

But Sandy is tangentially related to today’s musical choice. I have another source for new music that is neither Pandora nor Spotify. I follow “How I Met Your Mother” lead actor Josh Radnor on Twitter. He plays Ted in the show. On Twitter, he likes to post songs every so often. In remembrance of those in the path of Sandy that are perhaps experiencing wetter days, he recently tweeted a link to “Raincoat Song” by The Decemberists. And, in the same spirit, with thoughts and prayers to any and all affected by the hurricane, I give you this song. It’s a soft, sweet, playful melody that reminds me of childhood and happier times. For some reason.

“Raincoat Song” – The Decemberists

Caroline you’re angry
‘Cause you sleep like a spinster
And you’re twenty-eight
You been thinking late
You couldn’t catch a cold

Bend your head double
In the goose-down
Piling all the pillows high
Heave your fiercest sigh
And see if that’ll work

And the raincoat that you wore
When it rained today
And the raincoat that you wore
When it rained today
I think it only made it rain more
I think it only made it rain the more

If the water’s all wicking
Up your pant leg
Better wear your britches tight
I should teach you right
To be so down at heel

Going off half-cocked
Not shot full of arrows
From the cherubim
Oh the nerve of them
To not draw their bow

And the raincoat that you wore
When it rained today
And the raincoat that you wore
When it rained today
I think it only made it rain more
I think it only made it rain the more

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Sing, Sang, Sung – “The Star Wars That I Used To Know” By Teddie Films

Okay. So, plug first, tomorrow is our last showing of “Twelfth Night”. Come watch. Fun times.

Now, I know that, despite what I said yesterday, there have totally been a few major political developments as of late. Something about Health Care and how Texas Republicans hate education… But I will save those topics for later. Instead, I’m going to link you to another amazing song, along the lines of the “Beauty and the Beat”. I have to apologize for not having the lyrics for that song up… I’ve had over 200 views on that post, and most people seem to be looking for the lyrics. I’ll try to write some out later and update the post.

Anyway, I’ve talked before about the increasingly popular Gotye song “Somebody That I Used To Know.” It has been covered in many fabulous and interesting ways. Well, this song is a parody of that song… and it’s wonderful. It’s about all the things the fans find wrong with the Star Wars prequels. Give it a listen and laugh very much.

“The Star Wars That I Used To Know” – Teddie Films

[ANAKIN:]
Now and then I think of when I was in power
Like choking people with the Force until they died
But then you told them all my history
And took away my masculinity
And had my character portrayed by subpar actors.

You are now addicted to an overuse of graphics
And making Greedo shoot first? Han shot first.
So when you tried to have the Force make sense
You introduced the midichlorians
And what’s the deal with having me be dubbed over (Noooooooooo!)

But you didn’t have to change it all.
Make ‘em like they never happened and the fans are nothing
I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a Bantha and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to make them blow
Have your friends direct your movies and they’ll turn out better.
You think that you don’t need them though
What happened to the Star Wars that I used to know

What happened to the Star Wars that I used to know
What happened to the Star Wars that I used to know

[GEORGE LUCAS:]
Now and then I think of all the times I screwed fans over.
I had them believing that the first three films were really done.
But Star Wars will be done my way
I don’t care what you have to say
I think that they should let it go
And they’ll never get the Blu-Ray of the Star Wars that you used to know

[DARTH:]
You didn’t have to change it all.
No more puppets, no more practical effects or nothin’
I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a wampa and that feels so cold.
No you didn’t have to sell your soul
Do we really need to watch them all again in 3D?
Jar Jar was an all time low
What happened to the Star Wars that I used to know

[x2]
The movies
(I used to know)
The movies
(What happened to the Star Wars that I used to know)

(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)

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Second First Time Viewer – Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

It’s the last Indiana Jones film. Considering how poorly the movie went over with the fan base, and how old Harrison Ford is getting, perhaps the last ever (in Hollywood’s understand of “eve” of course, since they’ll reboot it 2 minutes after Ford dies). Of course, if movie makers listened to what makes movies crappy, the world might be a better place. Anyway, be prepared for a slew of pop culture references in this one, and not all of them good. At least it’s shorter this go round.

And now, the final Indiana Jones film. “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Not as hokey sounding as “Temple of Doom,” but it definitely still seems to have that B-movie quality to the title. But, hey, let’s give it a shot. Who knows what’ll happen? Though the title and the item on the cover of the DVD reminds me of a “Stargate: SG-1” episode.

And there’s the mountain again. Only it’s a molehill this time? Oh, no, a gopher hole.

Hm. Starting with a song. …that’s how “Temple of Doom” started. Hm.

Ooh, the credits say Jim Broadbent! Let’s hope he has a bigger role than Alfred Molina had in “Raiders.”

…alright, it feels like I’m 5 minutes into this movie and absolutely nothing has actually happened. Is there a purpose to teenagers trying to race the Army?

OH SNAP, MUTINY. Soldiers shooting soldiers doesn’t ever seem to go all that well. Unless you’re Bruce Willis in your second Die Hard movie. …wow, I’m already starting with the references? At least I didn’t say it was a trap. …though I just did.

Oh, Lord. Indy looks intensely old. Like, man. Really old, and angry about it. Also like he hates Russians.

I KNOW you didn’t just break some priceless artifacts that Indy stole! Only Indy is allowed to do that!

…what is creepy Ukrainian lady doing? Is this some sort of Jedi thing? Has Lucas blurred the lines between the series he’s involved in?

…she has a sword? Well, that’s old school.

Okay, who the heck is this guy that’s partnered with Indy? He seems mostly useless.

…Why are we raping physics so early in the movie? If the artifact you were looking for was so freaking magnetic, wouldn’t the metal guns and metal things you people have on your person be going rather nuts? Or, you know, the rest of the gunpowder and bullets you have and are using to find it? OH COME ON, now the lights are being dragged along? What, was the wooden cart the only thing keeping the magnetic properties of the box from grabbing at everything except what Indy wanted it to grab at? …this movie is already frustrating me. This is NOT a good sign.

Oh, Mac’s a double crossing tosser. Two in a row, eh? And you don’t even get to SLEEP with this one, Indy! …at least, as far as I know.

Okay, the tossing the loaded gun to shoot someone in the foot thing is really one of the oldest tricks ever. Military units need to plan for these things, man.

Ah. Who knows what priceless artifacts were just destroyed in that improbable explosion of crates?

Well, Mac, apparently you DO know him. You might should have jumped out of the car.

And Indy is being choked yet again. Baddies seem to love that.

Well, there’s an amusement park ride idea. How many Gs can YOU survive? Apparently Indy can handle a lot more than a chicken Russian soldier.

Good that Jones found a town. With no running water or people. …except for plastic people?

…why the hell is there a real, working TV and real water in the sprinklers if this is a nuclear testing site? And how the living hell is Indy going to survive this?

…a lead lined fridge. A freaking lead lined refrigerator. Nothing else gets tossed out of that huge explosion. Just a single refrigerator. Not many. Just one.

…WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?! THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. THAT’S TWO PHYSICS RAPES IN 20 MINUTES. ARGH!

…holy crap, it’s the Janitor. That’s distracting. Which is good for how things are now.

Oh, snap! The FBI is all doubting Indy and stuff! I bet they’s going to get all sorts of smacked down!

…What happened to Marcus? I mean, I like Broadbent, but I liked Marcus, too.

…aw, he resigned for you, Indy. You can’t be a dick to him anymore. He’s good people.

Oh my God, that was hokey. “I never should have doubted you, my friend.” Even Harrison Ford didn’t think that line was any good.

Oh. Marcus is dead. And so is Papa Jones. This is the most distressing news ever. Next you’ll tell me Sallah and Indy are both dead, too, and this is all a dream of some random kid.

…and there’s Shia LaBeouf as a random kid. …a random, apparently murderous kid.

Oh, someone else is going to kill him. Never mind. He’s just a random kid named Mutt. …I wonder if he’s going to be more annoying than Short Round.

Ooh, El Dorado. Cue my memories of the cartoon movie.

Oh, Mutt. You are faaaaaaaaar too excited about this power stuff.

…oh, Mutt. You are so very much not the Fonz.

I thought you knew he was a teacher, Mutt? You called him professor on the train, right?

…oh my Lord. More cliches. The knife to a gun fight thing? People don’t actually say that when it’s literal. At least, I don’t think they do. I’ve never been in that situation.

And now we have a greaser vs. jock fight? This is the most cliched movie I think I’ve seen in a while. It’s like they’re afraid you’ll forget what year the film takes place.

Hm. Once again, Indy shows off that his clothing is insanely well made. Most shoes wouldn’t do so hot on the road at those speeds.

Funny how all the anti-Commie propaganda is only screwing with the Commies.

How many languages does Indy speak? Goodness. And good grief, that was a fast translation.

Oh, snap! Those lines were in Assassin’s Creed! The crossover is more possible than ever!

Look at Mutt and those mad knife flipping skills! ISN’T HE JUST SO COOL?! He’s even too cool for school! …I’m admittedly surprised that line didn’t actually get said.

Wait, you didn’t actually work out the riddle on the long flight to Peru? Sloppy, Indy. Just sloppy.

What the hell did this guy have access to in order to dig such deep gouges into the rocks?

Isn’t it neat how a lot of other people seem to actually do most of the finding things for Indy?

Uh-oh! It’s the natives again! This probably won’t end well for Indy. Especially not with the whole dart thing. …and how the heck does he know they’re poison? …and how the heck did that dart stick? Was it double ended or something? That seems dangerous for poisonous darts.

Aw, Mutt’s a scared little dog. Come on, man, don’t be a Willie. I will punch something if you try to be a Willie.

…okay, really, Mutt? You couldn’t notice the large scorpion crawling around near you? It even had accompanying bad guy/creepy bug music.

Actually, the Coneheads were all demi-gods. The more you know.

“Touch nothing but the lamp!” …well, that reference would have made more sense if everything were gold. Then again, so would have Indy’s worry that Mutt would go touch happy. Of course, the last kid he was with had that weird medical condition where he touched everything all the time.

…daggum it, Indy. Cutting open the mummified remains of 500-year-old bodies? I just do not understand your archeological methods.

Oh my God, not with the plot-selective magnetism again. Physics is just going to get all sorts of bad touch, isn’t it?

Isn’t that the skull from one of the aliens from “Alien?”

Ah. It’s not real magnetism. Clearly that explains why it’s only attracted to moving the plot forward or making showy effects.

I bet he put it back for the same reason Papa Jones sent you his diary. To avoid letting the baddies get it. But such trains of thought are for lesser people.

Oh, Mac. No matter how much you want it, you’ll never be Scrooge McDuck. Especially not if you’re calling them conquestadors.

I thought Oppenheimer said Shiva, not death. Whatever.

Oh, Lord. She’s touching Indy. Is she the one Indy’s going to sleep with? That’ll make things awkward.

Aliens! Totally called it! …they don’t look quite like the ones in “Alien,” but who cares, close enough.

…Hasn’t Indy said things about bedtime stories a billion times before? Hasn’t he always, ALWAYS been wrong?

…Psychics and aliens… well, this is new for Indy, at least.

Sleeper agents? Well, that sounds historically accurate. At least, according to my Hollywood knowledge.

…oh, lucidity gained at a distance. Ho-hum.

Ha! He did tell you he’d break your nose.

OH, SWEET JESUS, IT’S MARION! Yes! The one woman that didn’t suck! …she doesn’t sound as tough now. Sad. But she does sound just as mean, which is nice.

Hm. Is Ox the chancellor from “V for Vendetta?”

Indy seems far more excited than reluctant. At least with the Nazis he seemed a bit reluctant helping them.

Wait, MUTT is pulling off the rescue? He really is the Short Round of the film.

…Why in the hell was Indy turning teacher while being sucked into sand, be it quick or not? He’s never done that before. That was just weird.

Wait, Indy and Marion actually had sex? Indy managed to stay awake for long enough?

Aw, Indy. Still a chicken when it comes to snakes, eh? Snakes that can’t be too happy about being used as rope.

You really thought telling the crazy person to get help in the middle of the jungle filled with Commies was going to turn out well?

Man, these Russians sure are fond of destroying the rain forest.

I agree with the Russian. Shut the hell up, please.

I thought the Nazi woman’s problem was that she was a Nazi woman, not that she wasn’t Marion.

Gotta admit, the “son” thing, and adapting to it so quickly, is rather awkward. Call him kid or something. Whippersnapper, perhaps.

Probably should have tossed the Russian off the truck after freeing yourselves.

…Mac is confusing as hell. And, it seems, a massive opportunist.

…I get the feeling that things are going to get wacky soon. And not in a good way.

Oh. Mac’s a double agent. Really?

How does Marion know about riposte? And fencing? At least Mutt has failed out of schools that taught the stuff.

Dude. Seriously. Get out of that amazingly awkward as hell position. Fighting while getting your crotch slapped by trees isn’t good for you.

Oh my God. Oh God. Mutt is one with the monkeys. What the hell is this, “Jumanji?” Was there an office pool to see where most people left the theatre? Tarzan LaBeouf probably lost some audience members. Not to mention the monkeys that only attack Commies.

Man, it’s a good thing the good guys, including the mentally unstable guy, have better reflexes than anyone else in the movie.

…and suddenly I’m reminded of an unfortunate episode of “MacGyver.” Peter Jurasik kind of got eaten by ants.

…Y’know, I kind of liked the artifacts that didn’t seem to be imbued with a bunch of random, disjointed powers. Like the power of Moses’ staff, if the Red Sea were made of ants.

…did those ants seriously just make a tower out of themselves? …how many total loads of crap am I going to be forced to accept in this film?

You do NOT take Indy’s hat. Even if you’re a massive colony of the biggest fire ants ever.

…do we have to do the whole ant guts on the camera thing?

Oh, look, the car landed in a tree springy enough to kill some Commie Russians. Apparently, I’m to just keep accepting stupid things until the end of the movie. Things like the amazingly “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”-esque floating car.

Ah. Marion’s nuts, too. Like the good old days.

Um, the skull told you to return it? And you just accept that, Indy? Unlike you.

Aaaaand here come the booby traps! …in the form of natives? …how long have they been just sitting up there?

Seriously, it might be faster to trip and fall your way down the ziggurat.

Hm. Someone’s been dropping breadcrumbs for the Commies. I wonder. Could it be that Mac is just a money grubber siding with whoever happens to be winning at the time?

I note that Indy didn’t actually wait for Mac to move out of the way. Makes me think he was more than willing to “accidentally” smash his skull open. Indy sure has gotten ornery in his old age.

Guys. Screaming “Faster” does not actually improve your speed. Not sure if you knew that. Physics seems to be something no one actually knows about in this universe.

Oh, Mutt. Ruining mushy moments on PURPOSE. So much more talented than Short Round.

Ah, the slaughter of natives. What a wonderful group of baddies.

I was thinking earlier that this seemed more like “National Treasure” than “Indiana Jones.” And then they stumble on the random collection of priceless artifacts, just like Nic Cage. Needs more Masons, though.

So much easier than the gates of Moria.

Who the heck took that skull in the first place, I wonder?

How the heck does this Russian chick know anything about these aliens?

Okay, I KNOW that line was in Star Wars. Lucas, get your hands off this movie NOW.

Wait, how was Mac the only one smart enough to get the hell out of dodge when this stuff started up? Granted, he stuck around to grab treasures like a tool, but still. I’d’ve definitely left a while ago.

Nice to see you’re sane again, Ox. …I guess.

…okay, this is just weird. This entire thing? Weird. Very, very weird. I really don’t know what to make of it. It’s just… odd. And seems really out of place.

Ooh, it’s water in a tight place! I wonder if it’s going to defy physics, too.

Okay, so there was a spaceship under the ziggurat. …I swear, it’s like Lucas and Spielberg got high and drunk while watching “Stargate: SG-1.” Spielberg said, “You know what this could use? More ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind.’” And Lucas said, “And I could add my whimsical, beloved flavor, like I did to the Star Wars franchise so popularly!” Drunk and high.

Wait, the fact that Indy wasn’t around as a father figure is a point of humor, not trauma? …okay.

Um, I guess Broadbent got his job back or something? As did Indy? Did the FBI just let all their paranoia go when Mac ended up dead? …there is so much to not understand in this film.

Okay, Mutt, that reaction makes it seem like YOU wanted to kiss your mom. That’s probably not the right reaction to have, just so you know.

Oh GOD no. We are NOT having “Shy The Beef” continue on as the next Indy Jones. I refuse. This movie was just… Oye. What a headache. Definitely NOT a shining hour for the franchise. I don’t remember laughing even once. Even “Temple of Doom” made me laugh, even if it wasn’t on purpose.

I don’t think I’m even going to bother trying to tag this post with the many, many references I made. I’ll put in the big ones I remember, but, man. This movie was just not really good at all. Fortunately for it (and, strangely enough, me), I think watching “Star Wars Episode II” so recently has damaged me so badly that this movie didn’t suck nearly as hard as it did when I watched it in theaters. Of course, then there was the whole element of major disappointment, too. And, thinking about it… just about every series of films has a terrible, godawful movie included in it. …and by golly, I’ll do this to them all. But for now, thanks for sticking with me. Also, apologies to those that read the entire thing as it was originally posted. I didn’t notice that the text got up there twice somehow. Oops.

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Second First Time Viewer – Return of the Jedi

It has been quite some time since I’ve watched through all the Star Wars movies. That was half fun. The first half, not so much. After this, I should be able to go back and rant endlessly about all things politic until I get tired of hearing myself get angry/getting depressed by all the idiocy going on.

Time for the final Star Wars movie, “Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.” I don’t know why I’d never watched these movies before. The last two were pretty good. Hopefully this won’t shove a final 30 minutes of film/series ruining suckiness.

So, we get to have the Jedi return this episode! …so… Yoda, I guess. Since that’s about it, right?

Hm, Han’s stuck with Jabba the Hutt and the Empire is building a second weapon to kick the Death Star’s butt. That will be more powerful than the Death Star. …will it destroy suns?

Wait, they’re building the thing in space? …what must be a horrendously sucky project. And judging by the random panels missing, I’d say the workers agree. I sure hope they cover holes those up soon. Wasn’t it a hole that got the first one blown up?

Oh, snap. Palpatine’s coming around for an inspection. …but I’m sure everything will be alright.

Ah, Tatooine. The place it all started. Well, except for Naboo. …what the heck happened to Naboo, anyway?

That’s the creepiest thing to pop out of the window on a door since the mustache on that guy at the Emerald City.

Is R2 shaking in fear? …well, them are some mighty ugly pig people.

Man, Jabba lives like a fat cat. Or a fat slug with a lot of money and ladies.

Oh, God, what is that thing at Jabba’s… well, not feet. Base? It’s ugly. And laughs creepily.

Jabba made Han into a wall fixture? Is that an art deco thing?

I’m still curious as to how droids feel pain. These things must be seriously advanced.

Okay, the droid giving out jobs reminds me of Dr. Finklestein, for some reason.

The green alien chick is pretty, exotically alluring. But what the heck is up with that large… girl? Guy? I can’t even really tell. But this explains where all the girls in the universe ended up. Jabba bought them all. …that’s a pretty lucrative way to make an empire of crime, I guess. Own every girl in the galaxy.

…what is up with the overly excited flea thing?

…aw. Poor slave girl.

Wait, I thought 3PO said Chewbacca went to Tatooine and never came back. Did he seriously get captured by some guy in a gas mask? Unless that’s Psycho Mantis, I don’t see how that’s possible.

Why’s Boba hanging out at Jabba’s anyway? Is this the more wretched hive of scum and villany that Obi-Wan said Luke could never find? …or maybe it’s just the best club in the galaxy and he got bored.

Hey, I recognize that guard! It’s the only black guy in the galaxy, Lando! …wow, Lucas is not big on human minorities in these movies, huh?

Ooh, gas mask guy is here to free Han. I guess it’s Luke in disguise, based on the scrolly text and the whole, “Here, take my droids” thing.

Man, masks just screw with everybody’s voices in this galaxy, don’t they.

Oops, not Luke. Just his sexy relative. It’s nice to know that there’s a human other than Anakin that can speak an alien language as opposed to just understand it.

Man, Jabba doesn’t know how to wipe his mouth, does he? But he does know opportunity when he sees it. “Oh, hey! A girl I missed! Mine now.”

“I will hug him and pet him and love him and call his name Han.”

Ooh, someone that can use the Force. WHO COULD IT BE?!

Why does everyone repeat what they’re manipulated into believing? Seems weird.

Ah. Now I understand the overly sexy Leia on the DVD.

Luke has finally reached his father’s level in power. …Or, well… arrogance.

“Haha! Look at Bob, about to get savagely eaten! What a failure. I’m totally taking his office.”

Luke’s doing pretty good against this big thing. I half expected him to try and hit the thing with that bone.

…why isn’t he using the Force at all? Like, to lift the door? Or do a major Force choke?

…well, that ending made some people upset. …who the heck is the shirtless guy, and why is crying? Was that thing his pet? …Really, his pet?

I’m guessing that little rat thing is Jabba’s crazy laughter machine, to double with his own evil laughter.

R2 is a waiter on Jabba’s sand yacht? That sucks. But proves he can pretty much do anything.

I kinda like that blue elephant playing the… whatever that is. Let’s call it a spaceCasio.

…is that Audrey from “Little Shop of Horrors”’s cousin or something? …how does one get digested over 1000 years, anyway?

…and once again, everyone has crappy reactions, as Luke waits, like, 30 seconds for that lightsaber to fall. …how the heck did Luke know R2 would be put on the barge, anyway?

…oh, dude. That is the most embarrassing way for Boba to die. That’s just depressing.

…did Leia just choke Jabba to death? With a neck that big, I would’ve thought it would be a bit harder. Still, pretty bamf.

Did someone tell Han that Lando wasn’t a big jerk? Because I thought, last Han saw Lando, he thought Lando sucked.

…I do believe Luke and Leia just killed all the women in the galaxy that aren’t Leia. Sucks for them. Aw, they blew up the blue elephant, too! Crap.

It’s inspection time! Prepare for things to get creepy.

Well, at least Luke learned how to land on Dagobah.

Don’t worry, Yoda. You may be old, but it’s time for you to kick some butt! …right? …wait, forever sleep? That sounds bad.

I like that Yoda’s dying thoughts include, “You, a Jedi? HA!”

Well, it’s nice that Yoda’s finally being straight with Luke, since everyone else has kind of dragged him through a tiny web of lies.

I don’t see why Yoda’s so worried about Luke turning. He doesn’t seem to be nearly as big a tool as Anakin was.

Why was Yoda in such a rush to say all those things before he died? Couldn’t he do the whole ghost thing, just come back that way?

…why is it that Yoda and Obi-Wan disappeared when they died, but Qui-Gon and the other Jedi didn’t? Are Yoda and Obi-Wan relatives of those Mystics or whatever from “The Dark Crystal”?

Nice attempt to backpedal and make excuses, Obi-Wan.

…I thought Qui-Gon taught him at first, and you just thought Anakin was a waste of space, Obi-Wan.

Well, Luke now knows Leia’s his sister. …He probably has some things he really needs to think about.

DUDE. A FISHMAN.

…who’s running Cloud City while Lando’s off gallivanting?

Oh, wow. Another chick. There’s hope for you yet, Luke. Grab her while you can, man.

…are Bothans spies in this universe or something?

…really, there’s another hole? The Empire really needs to look into caulk. …lots and lots of caulk.

Alright, the gang is back together! …and if Leia’s reaction to the look on Luke’s face is any accurate, it seems Luke’s been doing some of that thinking.

…yeah, Lando probably shouldn’t have promised a lack of scratching.

Han seems to be more attached to his ship than his woman. That’s slightly obsessive.

Who are those other wrinkly people near Palpatine? Are they family or something?

There are a lot of optimists in this galaxy.

“Fly casually,” eh? Just fly with your hands in your pockets, Chewie.

Man, Han has more false confidence than anyone I know. “It’ll work! Totally! Maybe! Probably not! But totally!”

…Han and Chewie on a stealth mission? …does anyone remember how things went in Episode IV?

Wow, Han was actually doing really well until he stepped on the world’s LOUDEST TWIG.

As obviously green-screened as this scene is, it’s still pretty cool. Like light bikes from “Tron”. Only without the lights.

Aaaand that’s why you should keep your eyes on the road, kids. …why exactly where those storm troopers out in the middle of nowhere, anyway? They’ve been flying/driving for a while and getting nowhere.

A teddy bear with primitive weaponry. …Wait, are these guys going to be the things with the primitive weapons that I said the Empire was likely to get screwed over by due to a lack of experience against them? …AND they’re the only cute aliens in the galaxy? …Me gusta.

That looks like the most depressingly bland rice cracker ever.

Okay, I swear that little bear is saying “Eat your mama.” That’s weird.

…man, those stormtroopers are really undisciplined. A slap on the leg and you take your eyes off your prisoner?

Palpatine: “Yeah, I read the script. Well, most of it. The parts I thought I should know about, at least.” I wonder how he foresaw Luke coming to Vader but not Luke being on the moon.

More primitive weaponry, which only R2 seems to be able to fight against.

Aw, Luke and Han know that they’re the cutest aliens in the galaxy, too. “Han, don’t shoot them! We can’t let this place be overrun by ugly and/or badass aliens!”

Okay, I totally just heard “That guy’s wise, love the shorts.” What the hey?

“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” But it’s totally within his programming to allow people to treat him like one, let his friends probably get eaten, be paranoid, feel pain… …who the hell programmed him?

OH GOD, THERE’S A BABY ONE. TOO CUTE.

Whistle while you prepare the feast… Doo-dah-doo-dah-doo-dah-doo.

What type of people refuse to listen to someone they think is a god? Have they no fear? …oh, no, they have fear.

LUKE, YOU SCARED THE BABY. YOU JERK.

Well, R2 doesn’t seem to like to be tied up for some reason.

Story time with your god! …this culture must have the weirdest mythology.

Why are Han and the group listening to this? I thought they couldn’t understand the language.

Dance party! Also, looks like Han will be an adopted father before this is done.

Oh, Han. The double standards.

I would say immediately after childbirth is, in fact, very young, yes. Unless she’s thinking of Bail Organa’s wife.

Wow, Leia looks a little disgusted to learn Luke is Vader’s son. …and a little nonchalant about the brother-sister thing. Wait, somehow you’ve always known? Even during the flirting and kissing? …that’s weird.

Oh, man. Luke’s going to be one of those people who won’t leave an unhealthy relationship because he thinks he can save the other person, isn’t he?

Aw, Han. Don’t be jealous. You’ve made out with Leia far more than she will ever want to think about making out with Luke ever again. …probably.

You are sounding really hopeful, Luke.

Wait, making a lightsaber is all you need to finish out your skill set?

I’m wondering, do Jedi and Sith believe in free will, or is everything fate and destiny?

Okay, Anakin clearly wants to just play catch with his son. Yes, I’m still calling him Anakin, because I know it would tick him off. …which is a great idea. Maybe I should start calling him Vader instead…

…why the heck are you zigzagging already, Lando? Drunk driver.

Dude, Lando. He said on HIS mark, not to just go whenever it pleased you. Man, such a jerk.

Haha! Bear’s like, “Dude. Got me a new bike. WOO.”

…really, the shoulder tapping thing? Wow.

Aw, man. Emperor’s going to do his creepy bad touch thing again, isn’t he? At least his face looks less frightening.

Wait, didn’t you have a lightsaber too, Palpatine? So, it’s not really just a Jedi weapon…

Wow, you’re a bit of an arrogant dick, huh, Palpatine? …probably have a bit of a reason to be, though…

That guy seemed like he was so excited to say his only line. “You Rebel scum.” You go, guy, ham that up.

It is indeed a trap, my fishy friend.

…I’m really uncomfortable hearing Palpatine talking about anything swelling. Really, I’m just uncomfortable hearing him talk, because he always makes it sound so very bad touch.

No, 3PO, they probably weren’t looking for you. But it’s interesting to see 3PO grow enough robo balls to be used as bait.

Bows, arrows, rocks and sticks. TOTALLY CALLED THIS. And I’m perfectly okay with it.

This is kind of the Star Wars version of that quiz telling you how many 6-year-olds you could beat in a fight. Some of those tactics work… some, not so much. Poor glider guy. Rocks just won’t cut it against a tank.

Ooh, stock footage.

Can your cruisers dodge firepower of that obviousness? I doubt it, though. Those big ships move really slowly.

…one of the teddy bears died. That’s, like, the saddest thing that’s happened in any of the movies.

Oh, looks like I was wrong about the minorities. I saw a black guy and an Asian guy just before they blew up.

Cue Palpatine poking Luke with a stick. Repeatedly.

Okay, the laughing without moving your mouth thing? Also creepy. Everything you do, Palpatine? Creepy.

How the heck does Chewie know the Tarzan scream?

Dude, I think that one guy was petting Chewie, like “Good boy! Kill them stormtroopers!”

Han: “You have a gun and you’re going to be sneaky and shoot these guys? …Biggest. Turn on. Ever.”

Wow. Vader certainly knows how to fall down stairs in style.

Wait, when did Vader pick his lightsaber back up? Unless he has a boomerang saber. If so, AWESOME. Also, probably dangerous as hell to use.

Man, all these treacherous thoughts. It’s crazy.

Wow. Luke kind of lost it when his sister was brought in the equation. He’s just hitting everything (which, strangely, isn’t being cut). But I like the music for this fight better than the music for that Episode I fight. Sounds more like a struggle between good and evil sort of thing.

Man, Anakin just has no luck with his hands staying on his body, does he?

Ah, the return of Emperor Lightninghands. Probably should have had Yoda teach you how to catch that stuff, guy. …but Luke certainly can take some punishment. Mace Windu didn’t even last this long.

Come on, Anakin. Don’t let the old man kill your kid. Think about it… think about it… YEAH. You rock.

WOAH. Is that what happens when Sith die? That was, like, a gigantic jet of spirit flame or something. Or a really big fart. Appropriate death for the really old fart.

Wow. This hole is big enough for ships to fit in. At least the last one could only fit a missile in it.

Well, that’s one way kamikaze fighting can work… What the heck did that Star Destroyer land on, anyway?

…how does Luke know Vader will die without the mask? Just because Obi-Wan told him he’s more machine than man now?

Yeah… Anakin didn’t really fare too well after that whole lava thing, huh.

Alright, time to make Death Star Mark III.

Uh-oh, Han’s getting jealous again. Teehee. It’s funny.

Looks like Han is remembering the whole kissing Luke thing right now.

And Vader gets burned just like Qui-Gon. What is up with the whole body disappearing thing for only some?

…wait, that’s the end of things? Yes, you killed the bosses, took out another Death Star… but what about the people that are inevitably going to try to snatch power? What about all the governors of the planets?

Wait, was that Naboo?

Using the skulls of your enemies as drums is a little macabre for things that cute to be doing. But they certainly can dance.

…why the heck do Obi-Wan and Yoda look like they did when they died, but not Anakin? Why does he look like he did back when he was a whiny dick? WHY IS THIS SO INCONSISTENT?!

…but it’s still pretty good. Though there’s clearly room for subsequent episodes. …wonder why those haven’t been made yet?

And thus concludes my second first time watching through the Star Wars series. Let me make a note that I really don’t want Lucas making episodes VII, VIII and IX. Not just because the extended universe has been slowly turned into a raging pile of crap, but also because the movies Lucas most strongly had his hands all over were really mostly quite awful. Episode I is definitely my favorite of the prequels, but it almost gets that status by default since it’s the only one that doesn’t make me convulse. Anyway, I’m sure to return to this segment again. Suggest a series for me to do, if you’d like. Series or singular movie. I might go with “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” next, simply because it’s been forever since I’ve seen that movie, and I barely remember anything.

Oh, one more thing. This video rather wraps up what I suggested Han might be thinking about in that scene near to the end. You may find it entertaining.

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Second First Time Viewer – The Empire Strikes Back

DADT ending, executions, voting rights… SO much political stuff going on right now. But Star Wars comes first. Now, some of you may realize that this movie doesn’t pack the same punch for the viewer when watched after the first three episodes. But it’s okay. The big reveal still works on the characters well. Even if Luke’s face is rivaled only by Palpatine’s Episode 3 “No. No!” face.

Ah, “Star Wars Episode V :The Empire Strikes Back” Apparently, destroying a big old base/super weapon didn’t topple the Empire. Though the Rebellion certainly wouldn’t have minded that, I’m sure.

Huh. I feel like George Lucas is a D&D nerd. An ice planet, a lava planet, a city planet, a sand planet, a rainforest-ish planet… Very elemental.

Dude. That is the UGLIEST looking polar bear I ever did see.

…okay, Han very briefly looked like a woman there. I quickly realized my error, since it wasn’t Princess Leia.

Ooh, Han’s moving in on Leia. In the way that a rhinoceros attempts to flirt with a slab of concrete by smashing through it. Han’s like, “Crap, I have feelings! I want to punch something!”

For once, C-3PO’s brand of paranoia and depression is actually right. Who knew?

Man. This planet has ugly polar bears AND ugly llamas. Ice planet, why you no have cute animals?

…Okay, I don’t know how the polar bear thing did it, but sticking Luke on the ceiling like that is pretty awesome. And kinda funny.

…I heard the lightsaber close, but it didn’t turn off. Bad editors! Bad!

And once again, R2 proves that he has EVERYTHING in his head. EVERYTHING. That thing better get some awesome channels.

“Shh! Keep quiet about the missing manly men around the temperamental woman! She might get really sad/angry/emotional!”

…Poor Chewie. He looks the saddest of them all.

Dude. Ghost of Jedi past. And he wants Luke to visit Yoda! Alright! I kind of expected him last movie… Wait, I thought Qui-Gon instructed you, Obi-Wan?

…okay, how does the animal that I assume is native to the planet die of cold before the injured human that’s been there far longer?

…okay, whatever those intestines are, they kinda look gross.

Search party with EPIC MUSIC. It’s HERO SAVING TIME.

…how did Han survive the night so easily when the native creature died in a few hours? What the hey.

Oh God, they’re waterboarding Luke! Why?!

Oh, wow. This flirtatious back and forth is pretty hilarious. Where was this in the first three episodes?

…she just kissed Luke full on the mouth. Yeah, that won’t come back to make her feel gross at all. And Luke is looking smug because he just kissed the only woman that wasn’t his adopted aunt in this universe.

Ah, Anakin. Still so cocksure. …how unfortunate for the Rebellion that THIS Anakin has a reason to be so cocksure. He’s often right.

I like how R2 and Chewie can be such awesome characters without me understanding a single thing they say. The first three movies had a bevy of characters lacking in character despite saying far too much.

Dude. Is that like a Vader coffin? Cool.

…wow. Anakin can use the Force to choke someone to death without wiggling a hand? And at a distance that requires video feed to create visual contact? …when did Anakin actually become a badass?

Maybe the Rebels should use those ion cannon things more often.

Luke, put on your helmet! It’s dangerous out there!

…when the hell did the Empire get those Walkers on the planet?

…what exactly is the purpose of the backseat driver? Maybe if there were a rear gun, I’d get it… Are they the replacement for droids being used in every other fighter ever?

You know what probably would work against these things? Explosives. The Rebels should invest in weaponry the Empire doesn’t already have a crapton of defenses against. I mean, does anyone in this universe use physical projectiles or TNT or anything?

Luke and Wedge get shot, but they’re okay? I find that a little odd.

Well, that base has seen better days.

Man, I love those grappling hook things.

Ooh, there’s the explosives. Well done.

…poor fighter. The lone wolf, trying to be a hero… failing miserably in the process.

Ninja stormtroopers! Nice.

Haha! I wonder if that was 3PO breaking the fourth wall there. Nice either way.

Uh-oh, Luke’s giving in to his hallucinations again.

Haha, really? Idiot Imperial ships can’t dodge each other? Or destroy a ship that has absolutely NO ONE piloting it?

Why not know the odds, Han? Lets you know how much money you’ll make if you win.

For a ship that looks like a messed up Frisbee, it’s quite maneuverable.

…he’s going through a hole in an asteroid to escape the Empire. Why is that difficult to understand? Or potentially dangerous?

Ooh. Now we have a swamp planet. Neat. …and perhaps appropriate for the wrinkly old green guy.

Ah, crap. R2 is dea- oh, no, he’s apparently a boat, too. He’s like the droid equivalent of Chitty Bang Bang.

Bigger fish eats R2! How will he kill the insolent creature? …oh, by causing indigestion. …not nearly as good as your previous kills, guy.

Oh, snap, gross bald Anakin. …wonder why he needs to take off the helmet? Though it probably gets gross in there.

Wow, could Han and Leia pull on each others’ pigtails any harder? Seriously.

Muppet Yoda is back. Awesome. Muppets are just awesome. …and Yoda is a thief. And seems like a relative of Fozzie Bear right now. …But I’m liking crazy senile Yoda. He’s hilarious.

…instead of using the Force, Yoda decides to beat R2 with a stick. This guy is a lot more fun than before. Before he was badass awesome. Now he’s hilariously awesome. Either way, we get some serious awesome going on.

No need to replace the coupling! Just switch the polarities!

…Pigtail pulling starts again! Only with Han laying on the schmooze instead of the passive aggressiveness. …and it pays off. Nice. Thank goodness we haven’t dropped any awkward L-words yet…

Wow. 3PO is the most annoying cockblocker ever. I would probably dismantle him a little.

…wait, Palpatine just revealed to Anakin that Luke is his son? …I kind of expected a bit more surprise from Anakin. It is strange that everyone on both sides of the equation is treating Anakin like he’s a separate and different being from Vader.

Yoda is being such a jerk. Love it. And he’s annoyed by Obi-Wan. Loving it more.

Wait, why will Luke be afraid? Isn’t that a bad thing? Like a leads to the Dark Side thing?

And now we get ugly asteroid remora moths. Man, there are absolutely no cute animals in this universe, are there?

Okay, an asteroid should be exposed to space. How are they surviving without suits? Why are they not wearing suits?

…alright, this asteroid is alive. That won’t end well.

Wow, ugly space worm. But, seriously, how are there creatures surviving in the cold vacuum of space?

Yoda’s been waiting for years for someone to give him a piggy back ride to the local store, I bet.

It’s easy to tell the good side from the bad, Luke. The bad guys have lightning.

Wait, how can a place be strong in the Force, one side or another? I thought the Force was part of LIVING creatures, not places. I call continuity foul!

OH MAN, IT’S VADER. Sucks to be you, Luke. You’re screwed.

…okay, never mind. So, um, movie ov- Oh, creepy Luke face in the helmet. A hallucination cave or something, I guess?

Isn’t that bounty hunter from the Star Fox games?

Oh, snap! It’s Boba! …he disintegrates people? Yeah, watching his dad die didn’t do him any favors.

I thought 3PO said one more hit on their rear end would kill them? Eh, maybe it hit their top.

…oh, Needa’s so dead.

Poor Luke. So sucky, being distracted by R2.

Man, Yoda is looking all sorts of excited. And then R2 jinxes it. Again. I think it’s his fault somehow. He’s doing something.

Okay, Yoda’s saying the Force is involved with everything in the universe, essentially. So, not all living matter. So, not what Episode I said?

And Yoda’s still got it. Proving that Luke needs to stop sucking. Except for the sucking it he should do.

Sorry, Needa. Called it, though. Promotion seems to be pretty easy in the Empire, though. And like something you never want to happen to you ever.

Nice. Very fly on the wall.

…why has no one turned off 3PO before?

And poor Luke wasn’t even around to defend his stake in Leia. …which was probably best for everyone involved.

Okay, I understand Luke shouting Leia’s name, but shouting Han’s first? I hear badfic being written by fangirls everywhere right now…

And now an air planet! Combine them all and you get Captain Planet! Who will soon be promoted to Admiral and subsequently killed by Vader.

Ah, another suave bad man. Seems nice/like a Han Solo with clout and tact.

Come on, 3PO. No one cares about you. At all. Except maybe R2.

…proof in point. You wander off and get shot and no one… Oh, wow. Chewie cares. Probably because he annoys Han a tad and Chewie finds that funny.

…how much has Luke learned, exactly? It seems like he’s only been there a day or two.

…no one has really explained the ghost of Obi-Wan. I guess it’s the immortality that Qui-Gon discovered, but why is Luke so accepting of it?

Man, Chewie really likes 3PO. …this game of keep-away is a bit depressing though.

Han likes the new 3PO. …kind of makes him a little bit of a dick.

Oh, wow. The Force can stop lasers? And Lando apparently does suck a little. Nuts.

Dude, Chewie. Don’t treat it like it’s torture. Just find a beat you can dance to! …wonder why they gave him 3PO to toy with…

Haha! I like the severely late internal monologue of 3PO’s.

Ah, torture. How unfortunate.

…of course the deal is getting worse, Lando. That’s how deals with the metaphorical devil tend to go.

…that’s a great question, Leia. Why the heck ARE they torturing Han?

…dude. I can see that Lando is trying to be a good guy, just a bit, but his guards are dicks. Why hit an injured guy when he’s down?

…Freeze dried Solo does not sound appetizing.

Heh. Anakin’s like, “Don’t kill the Wookie, Boba. I kind of like it when people kill stormtroopers. It’s funny.”

Oh, man, there’s the L-word… …which wasn’t nearly as awkward as it was every other time it was used in the series. …thank God.

…well, that would make for a rather creepy decoration.

Wait, they have a thing for vitals of the side? But I thought they didn’t carbon freeze living things in that facility? …huh.

Man, Anakin’s still a bit of a dick, huh. “Screw the deal, I have the Force!”

And Boba says GTFO, Luke.

“Luke, it’s a trap!” “Yeah, that’s okay. I like traps.” “…”

It’s too bad these people have honor and stuff when they fight. Sometimes, at least. Fights would be ended much quicker with dirty tactics.

Ah, Lando’s finally had enough. And so has Chewbacca, apparently. Probably shouldn’t have helped screw over his friend, there.

“We’re trying to save Han from the bounty hunter” is like this movie’s “They’re taking the hobbits to Isengard.”

Dude. Luke. You just knocked Darth Vader into God knows where. LEAVE.

How the heck is Anakin using the Force without moving his hands? WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!

Oh, snap! R2 failed the hacking mini-game! Should’ve used an autohack.

I think 3PO may be bipolar.

…how are you getting hurt, exactly, 3PO? I thought a benefit of being a droid was never suffering pain.

Yeah, Anakin’s not really one for hiding and stealth. Not with that breathing problem he has.

Why are the lightsabers not cutting the railing? They seem to be doing alright cutting everything else… including Luke’s hand. Huh. Parallel much? At least he had some agony he screamed in.

Oh, wow. Luke learning that Vader is his father caused his face to rival only Palpatine’s in ability to contort itself creepily.

“Come with me, Luke. Come on, that’s a good… okay, wow. You decided to fall. Did not see that one coming. Well, crap.”

Why does Luke think he has a connection with Leia? Just because of a smooch? Man, he is going to be soooo jealous of Han… until he is eventually creeped out by the facts of their relationship.

Did Leia kiss Luke again? She just wants all the boys, don’t she?

I’m guessing Obi-Wan didn’t tell you about your dad because he felt you might take it poorly.

Yep. R2 can do everything and C-3PO is bipolar. It’s official.

Ah, good to see bionic hand technology has come further in the past couple decades.

Huh. This movie kind of ends on a downer, yeah? Except that it seems like it’s a happy ending. …maybe the movie is bipolar, too. At least there’s a definite starting point for the next film: Save Han, kick ass, Force-chew some bubblegum.

And here we are, almost to the end of the second first time journey through Star Wars. I’m kind of liking this feature. Lets me notice different things, think about stuff in different ways. And it occasionally lets me be accidentally humorous. I’m always cool with that. I think I’ll periodically revisit this with different movies. And I’m always up for suggestions.

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Second First Time Viewer – A New Hope

Man, I wish I could’ve managed more than one of these a day. Accursed work hours. There’s so much go on in the political world to rant about. But, I promised this project, and this is what we’re doing. Moving through to Episode IV, I’m using the Special Edition DVDs. So I wouldn’t know that Han shot first, I wouldn’t see the orange blob under the car, and et cetera. Keep that in mind if some comments seem odd.

Alright. “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.” Apparently, the civil war is still happening. And the Empire’s secret weapon is called the Death Star. I guess that was that big ball we saw last movie.

Huh. The graphics are definitely lower quality… Ah. IMDb tells me that’s because this movie was first in the series, back in the 1970s. …so, Episode IV was first? Weird.

Ah, C-3PO and R2D2! Welcome back guys. Suddenly, I’m reminded… why did only C-3PO’s mind need to be wiped at the end of “Revenge of the Sith”? Couldn’t R2D2 just fill him in?

Dude. C-3PO would be amazing at Frogger. Dodging lasers like a boss.

And Anakin’s back! Hope this actor is better…

…why are you asking R2 where he’s been, C-3PO? You were staring directly at him. Weirdo.

So, are these guys in white the remnants of the clones from before?

Why the random shot in C-3PO’s direction with no follow up or telling that commander guy that there are droids in that escape pod?

Alright. So, Anakin doesn’t like rebellions. Still. Whether they’re real or not.

Why not just tell C-3PO you’ve been on the planet before, R2? Assuming it’s Tatooine you’re on. …you’re kind of a dick, aren’tcha?

Oh, a shiny thing in the middle of nowhere. …yeah, you’re probably screwed, 3PO.

Holy crap, evil tiny Sith. Or random aliens briefly appearing in the previous movies without explanation as to who/what they are. …well, apparently, they’re droid thieves. And I guess that canyon R2 was in is a common droid stomping ground, since there were a metric crapton of them just sitting around and waiting for a droid to happen by.

Huh. A transport full of SyFy channel reject robots. And the robot from “Short Circuit” maybe?

There are some parts of this movie that are obviously far fancier and better touched up than others. Obvious editing process is obvious.

…Really? You get droids from a random piece of metal that could have come from anywhere, anywhen? Or does it have a time stamp of arrival to that spot and a sign saying “I come from a droid!” on it?

This droid line-up has some rather ridiculous looking things in it.

Oh, Luke! I’m guessing that’s Anakin’s kid, considering the planet and what everything looks like. Making the others Owen and Beru, I guess?

…wow, you sound hilariously whiny, Luke. Like father, like son.

Ah, good. Can’t split up the dream team of 3PO and R2. Star Wars’ regular Abbot and Costello, those two.

Man, C-3PO is certainly a talker.

What the heck knocked Luke over like that? Random. But I guess it’s a setup for the message from Leia, asking for help from Obi-Wan. …who I thought went into exile or whatever. Well, I guess this is the “appropriate time” or whatever for Obi-Wan, Organa and Yoda to come out of hiding. So, sweet, Yoda action.

…wait. Luke’s got the hots for Leia? …oh, man. Incest themes already? This might not end well.

Wow, R2 really is a bit of a jerk.

Ooh. Meaningful glances between Owen and Beru when Obi-Wan’s name got mentioned. DUN DUN DUN.

Luke just wants to go to college, Uncle Owen! And whine about things.

Man, Owen and Beru talk about Anakin like they actually knew him decently well. Didn’t they only meet him that one brief time? And wasn’t he kind of an emotionless sack? How could they tell what he acts like?

Tusken Raiders? Anakin didn’t kill all of them hard enough to keep them from ever screwing with humans again? Failure.

Shouting victory before you’ve won? Sand People are the worst fighters.

…no, wait, Luke is unconscious. Luke is the worst fighter.

Guy in a robe waves his arms and screams like a howler monkey! Run, everyone! Instead of, you know… shooting him.

Wait, that’s Obi-Wan? Well, he does look older, so I guess I could see why R2 wouldn’t recognize him.

Yeah, I kind of skipped past the wondering whether or not Ben Kenobi was Obi-Wan or not. My bad.

…Okay, R2 not recognizing Obi-Wan I get. Obi-Wan not recognizing R2 I certainly don’t. …is he hiding something?

Wait, I thought the Jedi Knights were branded traitors. Does Luke dislike the Empire or something, sympathize with traitors?

Wow, that was a picture jump. I guess technology wasn’t quite up to par here.

…wait, Obi-Wan is lying. Vader is Luke’s dad. That’s how I remember it, at least. So, Luke’s dad is still alive. …is everyone afraid that Anakin’s dickery is genetic?

Star Wars, a universe where old people are better with computers than young people. How strange.

And there’s Obi-Wan getting Luke to go on a crusade or whatever.

Ah. Luke DOES hate the Empire. Okay, that explains the earlier nonchalance.

…dude. The Emperor just ended the Senate? …and that’s not going to cause a bit more rebellion amongst the people? Even Rome needed a Republic.

Ah, Anakin. Still arrogant about the Force. …oh, wait. That choking thing is new. …cool, though.

Wait, the Death Star isn’t operational yet? …how long does it take them to build something? It’s been, what, at least 16 years?

Dude. Obi-Wan. Just yank Luke back with the Force or something. Or has old age made you impotent? Didn’t screw up Yoda none. Or Palpatine.

Oh, wow. Owen and Beru had, like, no character shield at all. I guess saying you’ll do something for the main protagonist next year is equivalent to saying you’re about to retire in a cop film.

Dude. Anakin’s going to mini-Death Star torture his daughter. Not that he knows that. …this won’t help his sanity at all if he ever finds out.

…and Luke’s first thought is “FREEDOM!” …a bit callous.

…why aren’t the other guys like, “Um, yes. We totally do need to see his identification. What’s wrong with you?”

Dude, 3PO’s a racist? Gasp.

A Wookie! Awesome. Bet it’s one of those that had a name last time.

…wow, does everyone in this universe hate droids? What the heck would you serve them, anyway? And what did Luke order that it requires no talking?

…Walrus and pig man don’t like Luke. Poor guy. They must be able to sense whiny people.

…that’s a lot of blood for a lightsaber cut. I don’t remember there ever being any blood before in previous lightsaber attacks.

Wow, Harrison Ford. Before gray hair and wrinkles.

…why is making a run in a short distance a sign of speed, exactly?

…Yep. Luke’s got a streak of his dad’s annoyance with him. Unfortunate for us viewers.

Isn’t that Greedo guy the kid that Anakin was friends with?

…wow. Greedo is the worst shot ever. Seriously, worst shot ever. Han had a head spasm and Greedo missed by several inches, despite doing nothing but talking and aiming for the past 5 minutes. That’s just awful.

So, they’re not going to open the locked door? Really? Because I would hide most of my stuff in a locked area.

Ah, Jabba. Still fat, still gangster. …but lets Han step on him? What crime lord lets someone step on them without retribution? What the hell? Also, oh snap, is that Boba?

I’m still amazed at everyone’s education in this universe. I’m barely fluent in one language, these people are fluent in all sorts of languages, even without subtitles.

Wow, Luke just will not stop being bothersome, will he?

Governor Tarkin? What’s he governor of? The Death Star? Is it a city? Or a planet? Or something?

Dude. Tarkin’s a dick. He’s going to attack Alderaan. They don’t have any weapons or anything and WOW, that totally wouldn’t have mattered, huh. So, the Death Star is like a planet buster nuke. Thing.

I kind of want to play that game R2 and Chewbacca are playing. And why does R2 have to care about his arms getting ripped off? He doesn’t have any. And he’s been dickish enough to let C-3PO take the hit.

…so, wait, the Force is a religion now? And controls destiny? The Jesus and God allegories of before are coming in full force now.

Coming up on Alderaan, eh? Doubt it.

Haha, Dantooine was a lie. You guys suck. And Leia totally bluffed, risking a crapton of lives. Crazy woman.

Wait, how has absolutely no one noticed the Death Star before now? I’d expect the huge flow of engineers and building supplies to wherever they were building this thing would have clued in people that were paying attention to stuff. But space is really damn big, so I guess never mind.

Anakin and Obi-Wan confrontation… go! …never mind!

…so, no one thought about crawl spaces on the ship? Really?

Dude. Guy is missing for, like, 5 seconds and they’re totally all over him. This ship is run TIGHT.

Good thing everyone uses standard plug-ins. Personally I’d’ve pulled a WWII Russian train, if I’m remembering my references correctly. Make it so only your stuff can run on your tracks.

How is Obi-Wan the one that got you all into trouble, Han? He said you should stop chasing the fighter.

I thought Leia was a senator?

Ooh, Luke’s manipulating the crap out of Han. Instead of being manipulated. So, maybe not so much of his dad in him after all.

Another random droid that seems to only be designed to run away from things while making funny noises.

Man, everyone sounds so racist in this universe.

…did Han or Luke shout “Look out, he’s loose!”? If so… why?

…wow. Han is God awful at improvisation. Just awful. But at least he’s funny about it.

Ooh, sexy Leia pose. Totally made creepy by the obvious leering her brother did. I sense terrible, horrible sexual hijinks on the horizon. Like “Eurotrip” or something.

Yes! Obi-Wan/Anakin confrontation is so on!

Also, Storm Troopers have terrible aim.

Ah, Leia is spunky space Barbie. Neat.

Man, Luke, Leia and Han are like the trio of angry whining.

Dude. Tentacle monster. This won’t end well for Leia. …wait, no, it likes Luke better.

Man, is “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” the Star Wars trademark or something? I expect as many joke about going on a diet as possible now.

…wait, none of the Storm Troopers questioned the random, non-regulation droids? And I guess it’s good Luke shut up for the little amount of time the Storm Troopers raided their hidey hole.

Ah, there’s the getting thinner joke. Good boy, Han.

Man, either R2 is an amazing hacker, or this universe has never heard of digital security.

And apparently the Empire has never heard of properly guarding their most important areas.

Daaaaaaaang, Leia. She’s got some serious attitude. I expect a cigar and a heavy New York accent.

Dude, the Force can cause auditory hallucinations? Why didn’t they ever use that before?

…and a freaking regiment of Storm Troopers can’t kill one guy. Wow. These guys either have no concept of aim, or blasters are like paintball guns. …maybe I owe Greedo an apology.

Oh, my. Leia kissed her brother. …please don’t let them be each others’ love interests…

CONFRONTATION. Finally.

I guess Obi-Wan just guessed it was Vader, since he never saw Vader with his upgraded look. Also, why is he calling him Darth? Isn’t that like calling someone “mister” or something?

…And short confrontation ending in disappointment is short.

Wait, Luke just hit a tiny target from a large distance with a blaster. Maybe people are only selectively terrible at aiming.

I guess Obi-Wan learned that immortality thing. …wait, why do you think he’s gone, Luke? You heard him talk to you. Unless you think you’re crazy or something. Which, considering your genetics, may be true.

See, subtle wit and sarcasm and attitude. That’s the good humor. Where was this humor in the last three films?

…homing beacon. No one thought of that. …oh, wait, Leia thought of it. That’s good. It’s nice to have smart people for once.

Haha. The scene between Luke and Han talking chicks is pretty funny. …I mean, awkward when you remember that Luke wants to bang his sister, but funny.

Why is Han in the briefing if he doesn’t care about the fight? Wishy washy weirdo. Still cool, though.

Okay, that’s nice about the wamp rats, but you probably missed something important there, Luke. Which means I did. Thanks, jerk.

“I guess you’re really good at being an independent person, Han. You jerkhead.”

A second kiss? Aw, crap. Leia has the hots for Luke, too. This won’t end well.

…this movie is happening really fast, ain’t it? It’s been, what, three, four days since the start?

That’s right, Luke, just blink the schizophrenia away.

…the chubby one is called Porkins? …heheh. Oh, wait, he just died. …now I feel a bit bad. Dang it.

And Anakin puts on his Elmer Fudd personality, going out to hunt the stray rabbits.

…where are the barrel rolls and brake slams?

Wait, Biggs and Wedge? From Final Fantasies VI and VII? …neat.

…well, the Rebels are certainly getting their butts kicked. Oh, wait, Tarkin just dismissed them as a threat. Yeah, the Death Star is definitely a goner.

…random thought. Ships are a lot less shiny in this movie.

…why didn’t Wedge blow up? …weird.

The Force is strong. Also known as, this one knows how to zigzag appropriately.

Oh, God, did they just kill R2? Worse than Hedwig dying, I tell ya.

…what happened to Vader being able to predict the future? Also, is wingman is the worst dodger ever. Seriously, just awful.

Death Star go boom, and Vader goes free. …he better hope there’s another Imperial base somewhere nearby.

“Ignore R2, 3PO. I have some ladies to woo.” …speaking of ladies, is Leia the only girl in this universe?

Ah, medals and joy and leering and happy endings and huzzahs. We’re back to movies ending on happy notes. Which probably means Episode VI will be severely depressing.

As you may have guessed, some things are not as… poignant as they would have been if I watched the movies in chronological order. Unfortunate, really. It also really points out the glaring lack of Lucas having decided Luke and Leia were siblings. These next movies are probably going to be far more entertaining and humorous than they should be…

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Second First Time Viewer – Revenge of the Sith

“Revenge of the Sith.” The final film in the Terrible Trilogy. Thank God. Seeing these movies once was bad enough. How we struggle for our art.

Alright. “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.” Finally, we get to find out what the Sith have to get revenge against the Jedi and/or world for. That thing that Darth Maul mentioned way back in Episode I. A bit of a long wait for a payoff, but I suppose it’s alright. And as bad as the last movie was, I have high hopes for this one. That last one was just this series’ “Temple of Doom” or “Return of Jafar.” The second one is always the weakest in a series/trilogy. …except Star Trek. Weakest was probably that last one before the reboot… “Star Trek: Nemesis” or whatnot. Anyway, high hopes.

This time, I’m told by the scrolly wall of text that there is a war. In fact, the first sentence is “War!” …Yay. Well, war, and apparently we’re starting with a kidnapping, so it could be fun.

Ooh. Pretty lights and explosions. A proper dogfight to be sure. …including fireworks at times, it seems. It’s a good thing their desire to show off how pretty they make things is coupled by them actually making things look pretty.

I’m going to assume Obi-Wan’s statement about how easy things are going to be was sarcasm… but it’s hard to gauge emotion when working off of Christenson.

Buzz droids are clearly the cutest little enemies ever. I guess it does suck when your enemies don’t need to actually breath to do stuff in space.

…are we seriously watching a fight between R2-D2 and a droid? It’s the space equivalent of a thumb war. And, seriously, I don’t understand the sentience level of droids in this universe. Does encouragement help their programming?

Okay, R2 is like a Swiss Army droid. And this new droid guy apparently has a nasty cough. …how the heck? Doesn’t that require lungs?

…did they change the voices of the droids? They sound more idiotic than ever before. …I seriously hope this isn’t another example of attempted comedy. …but, judging by the droids that couldn’t move out of the way of an elevator and the robot urine R2 just hit those other droids with… oh, that was gasoline? That was a pretty cool method of execution. R2 has the most badass kills so far.

Sweet, Christopher Lee is back. The battle should be good.

Okay, well, that battle was short. Again. …bye, one of the better actors in this series so far… …and has Palpatine increased in levels of super creepy? I’m starting to wonder if Palpatine’s all that good of a guy. Especially with the “leave him behind” attitude he was showing. Clearly, he’s never watched “Saving Private Ryan.”

Wow, it’s a good thing that door was open. Otherwise, we’d have a bit of a Jedi pancake.

…what’s special about these shields? And why are the robots all so much more agile in this movie?

Man, everyone has horrendous reaction times. Someone probably have shot the prisoners the moment someone moved. Or should’ve had a gun to their heads. Anything but stand there and let the people that have the ability to grab crap from a distance have free reign.

Didn’t the half of the ship they lost have all of the engines and brakes and the like? How the heck are they piloting this hunk of metal at all?

Well, at least Anakin got over his massive hormonal period for this movie. He seems to be more balanced and less arrogant. Which is nice.

Seriously, why does Anakin still have C-3PO? I feel like there was some serious theft going on.

So, Anakin and Padme can’t kiss in public, but they can nuzzle and hug in the dark corners without arousing suspicion?

Oh, snap! Padme’s pregnant! …is the child Anakin’s? I thought he’d been away. Get Maury in here to settle this.

…okay, that was the worst screen fade I’ve seen in a while. Scene shifts should not be treated like opening and closing shutters.

I am not quite getting how a droid is running out of breath and wheezing. It’s really annoying and distracting.

Ugh, hackneyed love dialogue. Better than the last movie, at least.

Oh, my! A crying Padme in the fog… a nightmare! At least this time we get to see the nightmare instead of suffer through hearing Anakin describe it. No, Padme, don’t ASK him to describe it! Jesus, are you crazy?

This Jedi thing of letting go of all things you hold dearest on this earth sounds kind of like some teachings in Buddhism and Christianity. …It’s neat how there are so many cool parallels to philosophy and religion. Too bad there isn’t a deeper look into that sort of stuff.

Oh, Obi-Wan. How could you not trust a politician that’s continually be given more power to do whatever he pleases? He’s even screwing with the Jedi Council now. What a dick.

Oh, snap. Emo Anakin just came back. Thank God that was only a brief flash. Just try to become a Master the way everyone else did, you whiner.

Ah, Anakin’s being asked to be a double agent. …that’ll end well. It’s like Anakin is this movie’s Jar Jar, insofar as things probably aren’t going to end well when he’s involved.

Wouldn’t bringing balance to the Force equalize the good and the evil? Isn’t that what balance is? …man, I thought the Jedi were smart.

Oh, snap. A difference in politics for a married couple? Divorce each other now, before another election tears you two apart!

…man, Anakin is really not showing any affection toward Padme whatsoever.

…I can’t tell if they’re watching a space opera or a game of blitzball. I feel like Lincoln’s assassination would have been quite different if he’d been watching this… whatever it is.

I wonder how Palpatine knows so much about the Sith. He seems rather educated about these matters. And if the Jedi only care about themselves, Anakin’s doing a poor job of it.

…okay, that was not subtle at all. “Hey, Anakin. Did you know the Dark Side has some serious necromancy going on? It can even stop death. Just in case you have anyone you care about and don’t want to die. Just sayin’.”

Picking Obi-Wan over Anakin? That’ll really help his mental stability.

Also, these Wookies seem really cool. They’re like bear orangutans. Beargutans. With laser crossbows.

Wait, is Anakin still a Padawan? What happened to the uniform and the haircut? Or is the robe supposed to represent his growing darkness? …sadly, it’s probably the later. This series has been pretty big on being heavy handed as hell.

Oh, snap, another vision… and Padme’s with another man this time. Seriously, get Maury in. Obi-Wan being the father seems like a twist this movie would be willing to take. It is doing better than last movie so far, though, so there’s that.

…there’s an easy way to save Padme from your nightmares. Don’t bludgeon her with them.

…okay, the creepy guy that got a little too excited while shaving doesn’t really get the whole being secret thing, I don’t think. Either that or the droids don’t get the whole “holding hostages” thing.

Dude, Obi-Wan is riding one of those lizards from Australia, a la “Rescuers Down Under.” I like it.

…okay, Obi-Wan really should have foregone the drama and gone with assassination from above. At least, that’s my opinion. I think being arrogant is usually a bad idea. But maybe he thought fighting a four lightsaber helicopter thing was a good idea. …how fortunate for Obi-Wan that Grievous really sucks at using the swords. Seriously, four lightsabers and he can’t even get a hit in?

…that zoom in to the eyes thing was weird. And a little gross, considering Grievous’ eyes.

And now, lizard v. wheel with legs! …and now a clone has a lightsaber. Potentially not a good thing.

Dude, is Mace Windu suggesting the Jedi should rule the universe? Where the heck did all their morals and ethics go? Man, these people are all so easily manipulated, despite years of training on how not to be manipulated.

Alright. Well, Palpatine is certainly laying all his cards on the table. Anakin should probably let the Jedi Council know about all this stuff. But Anakin is more easily manipulated than a child bribed with candies. So that’s not likely to happen.

And we go back to discover that lizard beats wheel with legs! Go lizard! …oh. Never mind. Bye, I guess.

So, why can’t Obi-Wan use the Force to just tear Grievous apart or something? …and, oh gross. Grievous has human parts. …that catch fire? …Man, that’s confusing.

Wait, Anakin actually is telling the Jedi Council? …dude. My bad. I was completely wrong. …Well, it’s nice that things aren’t as predictable anymore. Except the scene changes, they’re still predictably crappy.

Long distance manipulation! Palpatine’s good at this. Got to give credit where it’s due.

Who the hell did Mace Windu bring on this arresting mission? It’s like they WANTED to die immediately. Or they were appropriately freaked out by the corkscrewing old man making the creepiest sounds ever. And the creepiest faces.

…I never want to see that freaking “No, no” scene again. That was just awkward. …but not as awkward as Palpatine becoming a wrinkly raisin man. A creepy as balls raisin man.

…this scene is all sorts of awkward. Like, I’m just disturbed by everything that’s going on here. And, good Lord, Anakin’s more wishy-washy than Charlie Brown.

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT VOICE? This is seriously creepy as hell. Uncomfortably so.

…man, Anakin is not only wishy-washy and completely unable to figure out what he wants, but he’s really wooden with this entire scene. …not that I’ve been expecting much else.

Why do the Sith get new names? It’s neat, I guess. But what’s the method to the madness? Sidious, Tyrannus, those sound dark and evil. Vader? Sounds like a washed up 80s pop singer.

Man. Anakin used to be all about protecting Obi-Wan. He’s really abandoning his character completely, isn’t he?

…so, are the Sith getting revenge against everyone because they’re not in power? …that’s not a reason for revenge. That’s just being power hungry.

Sweet, lizard’s back! He’s my favorite character from this movie for sure.

Huh. The lightsaber wasn’t the terribly awkward plot point I thought it’d be.

…oh, snap. I’m sensing some major Jedi genocide going on. …and of course they completely overkill the chick Jedi. Man. If only Jedi could tell what people are thinking or something. But maybe clones are immune to being mind read? It’d be great if there were explanations given instead of my having to guess everything…

…oh, crap. Anakin’s going to kill the cute little British kid. He’s going to kill the younglings. He’s really just completely abandoned his moral code, hasn’t he.

Dude! That little kid Jedi kicked WAY more butt than most of the Jedi Masters did. …why the heck were they all so pathetic?

Okay, so a couple of Wookies get names. Does that make them important? It made Padme important. Maybe they show up last minute to kick some serious tail?

Ah, finally Bail Organa is actually being somewhat important. He’s been hanging around so often, I was starting to wonder if he’d actually do something. Other than hang around in the background, of course.

…wow, Anakin’s already manipulating the history of events to feel more comfortable about what he’s done/doing. What an amazing politician he’d’ve made.

Dude. A lava planet. Don’t touch it. You’ll die.

Hum dum, intrigue, cloak and dagger… they should cut back to night, makes things seem cooler.

Are those mice droids or something? …What the heck’s the point of them, other than to run in fear?

Dude. Yoda just threw his freaking lightsaber into a clone. That’s pretty awesome. …the dead kids, not so much.

At least this movie is taking death a bit more seriously than the previous films.

Okay, what’s with the eyes? Those’re like the same eyes General Grievous had. Is that just a bad guy thing?

…okay, I’ll admit, I like that line. “So this is how liberty dies. To the sound of thunderous applause.” It’s much better than the writing from last movie. And most of the rest of this movie.

You can’t watch anymore, Obi-Wan? Dude, you wimp. You watched like 30 seconds.

Why is no one asking the super preggers Padme who the dad is?

Oh, you watched 30 seconds of the slaughter of children. My bad. I take back what I said before, Obi-Wan. You’re cool.

Oh, there’s the question. My bad part two, Obi-Wan. You’re a sharp feller, aren’tcha?

And of course Obi-Wan hitches a ride. Because he and Yoda seem to be the only two people in this universe that aren’t complete morons. Well, him, Yoda and Palpatine, to be fair.

…okay, we’re getting really heavy handed with this darkness motif on Anakin. But, hey, what else should I expect?

How in God’s name is super-pregnant girl able to run like that? Isn’t she, like, really near giving birth?

…wow, does Anakin really hear what he’s saying? Or understand how to express emotion appropriately? …also, is he sane? …nope. He doesn’t seem to be sane even at all.

…God, the acting here is just… Wow. Coupled with Anakin going back to being crazy, this scene is nearing Episode II levels of bad. Bring us back, guys. Don’t go back to the horrendous crap that was Episode II.

Political philosophy… moral philosophy… All so quickly brushed past. So sad, really.

Dude, Yoda! What happened to being able to catch lightning? Come on, muppetman, keep it together!

At least we’re getting some good battles again. …though the symbolism of the fight for democracy taking place in the Senate chambers is a bit much. …and, okay, I think Obi-Wan and Anakin are showing off to one another now more than fighting.

Those little pods could be used for the best game of Ultimate Frisbee ever.

Dude. The old man noises Palpatine keeps making don’t really inspire fear in me. They make me think he’s about to crap his pants on accident or something. Not really something an emperor should be doing.

Okay, random thought… but wouldn’t all that lava be toasting the ever living crap out of Anakin and Obi-Wan? Are Jedi and Sith heat resistant?

Wait, why the heck do you need to go into exile, Yoda? Just because you failed this time doesn’t mean you can’t, I dunno, try again later with better planning and more people helping you. Like, I dunno, form a rebellion or something. Why is everyone so eager to make such dramatic jumps in this universe?

…Anakin. You were a Jedi. Did you think you were evil? Seriously, how the heck did he completely change life philosophies in a 24 hour time period?

…why does having the high ground end things? Seriously. It’s not like he could’ve, I dunno, Force pushed you. And why did no one else ever cut at the jumpy person’s legs? The jump over you technique was used all the time…

…man, now Obi-Wan is using the L-word. This series is making love really awkward. Also, Obi-Wan should really be killing Anakin and putting him out of his misery. Also, making sure he’s for reals dead. Because not checking that stuff usually bites you in the ass.

Well, at least Anakin represents his acting abilities now. A dried up, burnt out almost person. And, oh look. Palpatine found him. Looks like it’s ass-biting time.

Aw, Anakin and Padme are going to the hospital at the same time in opposite corners of the galaxy. True love. Screaming agony included.

What the heck is ooba, and why does the medical droid want it so badly?

Okay, with that outfit and the loud, angry breathing, Anakin is officially more intimidating than he ever was previously. …and more intimidating than Palpatine has been so far.

Wow. Palpatine’s a bit of a dick. Still. Wonder why Vader hasn’t killed him in anger yet? …and, okay, giant “Nooo!” followed by another stupid scene wipe is really dumb.

Wait, Qui-Gon’s alive again? And immortal? Or something? …are they going to actually show him, or is this another thing I just need to use my wild mass guessing for?

…when did the empire find time to make uniforms and recruit not-clones? It’s been, like, maybe a week. Since the Senate had no army until the clone army, where the heck did these other military people come from, with ranks and everything, it looks like? Oh, look, that ball. …probably not a nuke, then.

…and the explanation of why the Sith want revenge as opposed to power was never explained. Wonderful. What the heck.

Oh, well. I assume the next movies will focus on the kids or something. Babies don’t tend to appear out of nowhere for no reason whatsoever. Still, there’s a lot of questions to answer. …and this series seems to enjoy taking its time getting to the answers. At least this movie wasn’t gut-wrenchingly horrendous like the last one was. The crappy humor was done 30 minutes in, the writing had some high points, and Christensen’s acting wasn’t anger-inducing until the very end there.

Surprisingly, I find I didn’t hate this movie as much as I thought I would based on how I remembered it. I think this trilogy is like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies to me. The second one was so upsetting I lost all hope for the third one and just wept inside. Thank God the next films are much easier on the senses. And brain. And everything. But shh. I’m not supposed to know that yet.

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Second First Time Viewer – Attack of the Clones

Once again, I delve into the Star Wars universe as though I’ve never watched any of the films. And I’m already on one of the worst of the 6 film series. This is sure to turn out well.

Alright. Starting the movie, familiar lead-in, familiar time frame… “Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones” has begun. At least this time the politics are about the military instead of taxation and trade. Maybe there will be cooler, more serious battles without hijinks saving the day this time?

Dude. A guy with one eye. And he just said there’s no danger. That won’t end we- yep. Everything blew up. And Amidala is still using decoys. Hasn’t anyone figured out that she is NEVER the one that’s dressed up? Just because she’s a Senator now doesn’t mean she’s changed much.

Wow, Palpatine got older. And Yoda got a lot more CG. Wait, why wasn’t that last thing that alien said translated? Man, I bet it was important, too.

Okay, I don’t know who this Count Dooku guy is, but he was in the scrolly text. He could TOTALLY assassinate someone.

Oh, man. Jar Jar’s back. But 2 minutes in, and he hasn’t done anything crazy yet. Maybe there’s hope.

Wow, that’s Anakin? He grew a little. And it’s been 10 years? Amidala doesn’t look any older at all.

Ah. There’s Jar Jar talking again.

Hm. “You’ll always be that little kid,” eh? I wonder if that’s true.

Okay, there was clearly supposed to be some dramatic tension between Obi-Wan and Anakin, but it didn’t really get through… I feel like maybe that’s Anakin’s fault.

Ho-hum. Assassin plot, yadda yadda.

…Okay, Anakin’s coming off as a bit of an arrogant douche. I miss creepy hits-on-women-way-older-than-him-but-is-still-playful-and-cute Anakin.

OH GOD CENTIPEDES. Gross. …but crazy smart to know R2-D2 was looking for them.

…wow. Obi-Wan just jumped out of a window to grab onto a tiny droid. I thought he was saying Anakin was the impulsive one? Because that was a potentially moronic move.

And now he’s falling. Stupid move, like I said. Fortunately for him, Anakin’s still a good driver.

Random thought during this action, though… have they said exactly why they’re trying to assassinate Padme? Just because she’s voting? Couldn’t they kill someone else?

Okay, creepy laughter while driving recklessly. Anakin’s apparently gone insane in the past 10 years. And what room does Obi-Wan have to talk about something being suicide when he jumped out of a window to grab a tiny droid?

Hm. I think the conversation between Obi-Wan and Anakin pre-Anakin suicide jump was supposed to be kind of funny. …I miss the fart jokes already.

So, there’s football in the future. Or, well, the past in a distant galaxy. That makes our present look like crap.

Death sticks? I assume those are this universe’s cigarettes? That’s a pretty blatant name. Honest advertisement, at least.

…this Anakin can’t portray anger. At all. I am not going to like him, am I?

Okay, changeling assassin. Shouldn’t she have had a back-up plan? Like a second pair of clothes under her main outfit to shape-shift into? Maybe changelings will be discussed more thoroughly later, because a race of people that can change shape is a pretty crazy addition that could make things awesome.

Dude. Totally called Palpatine getting his hands in Anakin’s business. Creepy old man.

Okay, these scene wipes are annoying me. It’s like a 5th grade PowerPoint presentation.

Jar Jar is going to be Senator of Naboo? …Yes. That will end SO well.

…holy crap, is Anakin a 15 year old or what? He’s reminding me of every emo ever. Simultaneously. He switches from whiny to leering creep. Don’t worry, Padme, his looks make me uncomfortable, too. He looks like he wants to fondle me through the screen. Awkward.

You really think Anakin’s going to listen to your orders this time, Obi-Wan? He has yet to show you an ounce of respect this entire movie. You really needed to slap him at LEAST once during that 10 year time period.

Ah, good to see this place has messy little diners, too. It’s like future New York. In the distant past. This Dex guy seems pretty cool. Like, wise ex-bounty hunter now a diner owner or something. …I’d like to know if I’m right about that. Because his presence just sort of happened.

Haha. Stuck up librarian. That’s funny. And so much like real life. “WE HAVE ALL INFORMATION EVER. IF IT AIN’T HERE, IT DON’T EXIST. STFU.”

A droid saying no droids… PARADOX.

Oh, wow. Love already got dropped. The big old L-word. Along with an admission of dreaming of Padme. Okay, seriously, Anakin’s kind of creepy.

Aw, little kid Jedi. They’re cute. …they’ll probably grow up to be creepy emo jerks. Sad, really.

Hm, talks of term limits and democracy… America much?

Okay, wow. That Anakin and Padme arguing over the protection scene? That’s a painfully awkward scene. That made me feel really uncomfortable.

Dude, does the futurepast not have umbrellas? Obi-Wan’s soaked. Maybe he can Force-push the water off him.

Man, the buildings in Kamino are blinding.

Okay,how many outfits does Padme have? Not that I mind this one. Baby shows back. …Yes, Natalie Portman is pretty. Duh. Oh God, Anakin’s touching her. He is so freaking uncomfortable to watch with this romance thing and now they’re kissing. Awesome. Well, I called it last movie. Wait, they stopped. …is this going to turn into a RomCom? I hope not. This Anakin isn’t one I want to watch much romance with.

Okay, this planet of clone makers… why aren’t people putting in orders more often? And how much money does the Jedi Council freaking have?

Oh God. Anakin and Padme sitting in a meadow. …wow, Anakin’s got mood swings bigger than some metaphor I can’t figure out. And he’s jealous of someone else that kissed Padme as a kid? Like, insanely so? Yeah, their relationship will go well.

Hm, one person to rule. They could talk more philosophy, like the philosopher king Plato talked about, but I doubt they will. Things seem a bit black and white in this universe. And not very philosophical.

Oh no, Anakin died! …nuts, he’s alive. …and now they’re frolicking in the grass. It’s officially a RomCom. I’m not really liking this all that much. This is not a fun development. Anakin’s just so… ugh… I just don’t like him right now. But maybe he’ll get better. I can hope.

Dude. Jango seems kinda cool. Replace Anakin with him.

Anakin. Stop stealing food. You’re like Jar Jar.

Oh, man, it’s the opening up to you speech. …and it’s really bad. Oh God, this speech is awful. “You are in my very soul, tormenting me.” God, oh God. This writing, this acting… that was just terrible. Ugh, it hurts. That entire monologue was just… Ow. It hurts me in my two biggest aspirations. Ow ow ow.

You wish you could wish away your feelings, Anakin? It’s hard to tell if you have any, besides emo. …and yet, as much as Padme says she doesn’t want a secret relationship, she still looks really excited about the thought. …and “it would destroy us”? For having a secret liaison? That’s a bit of a dramatic jump, don’t you think?

Uh oh. There’s a Jedi that’s been naughty. Well, at least Sam Jackson’s willing to admit the Council is kind of sucking at their job.

Ugh, random crap wipe to bad acting about a bad dream. Who the heck is this guy playing Anakin? And why is Keanu Reeves a better actor so far?

Dude. Jet pack. And explosions. Yes. Awesome fight scene time. Finally. …well, almost awesome. As pretty as this movie makes things look, the fighting looks immensely fake. Everything seems really jumpy and poorly rendered. I am disappoint.

Ah, Tatooine. Been a while. …wait, is Watto comic relief now? Poor guy.

Okay. The exploding asteroids? That’s pretty cool. I am slightly less disappoint.

Why does Obi-Wan talk to R4 like R4 has the ability to reason and comprehend? Is he crazy, or are droids seriously sentient in this universe?

Ah, nice to see that C-3PO is finally clothed.

…yeah, this Anakin mother plot doesn’t really interest me that much. …mostly because Anakin doesn’t interest me much anymore. …dude, didn’t that husband guy say he didn’t want to give up hope? Why suddenly all “GIVE UP NOW.”? …also, why the shadow puppetry hug?

And our hero Anakin rides off next to the sunset. …why didn’t he just start with this “I’m just going to go out and find her now, bye” thing?

Dude! Count Dooku is Christopher Lee! …definitely a bad guy, then!

Oh, wow. Shmi Skywalker has definitely seen better days. She kinda looks like crap. But hey! She’s alive! Take her home, nurse her to health! Everybody’s happy! …wait, “Now I am complete”? …seriously? …that was a pretty bad death scene there. And, of course, Anakin’s reaction is a nose twitch. Oh, no wait. Violins are getting excited. Anakin’s about to lay down some smackdown. And look like a whiner the entire time, somehow.

Some of this dialogue is really heavy handed…

And Anakin’s facial expressions all seem to look the same. Except now his brow is furrowed. Must mean he’s upset.

…oh, good, emo Anakin’s back. Emo Anakin with horrendous line delivery. …God, I want to punch this guy in the mouthface. Please oh please make them stop giving him monologues. I physically hurt every single time he gets one. And I’m pretty sure they CG’d that tear onto his face.

Crap. Another monologue already? I long for Jar Jar and the fart and poop jokes. I miss them as much as Anakin apparently misses his mother. Only I could convince you that I actually miss the jokes.

Oh, crap. Obi-Wan’s in trouble, and the Jedi just told Anakin to stay put. Has that ever stopped him? …wait, Anakin cares about strict orders now? Wait, why are they taking C-3PO? Doesn’t C-3PO belong to Anakin’s step father? Is he seriously stealing again?

…wow. The manipulation of Jar Jar is really obvious. Making him senator is really going to bite people in the ass, isn’t it?

A scene between Christopher Lee and Ewan McGregor? Finally, a chance for great acting. And, apparently, a little more plot. That’s good.

…Oh, God. Jar Jar just gave Palpatine supreme power. This will not end well, and it’ll all be Jar Jar’s fault.

Wait, you’re going to land in random steam? That crap burns! Why would you think that was a good idea? And if you want a diplomatic solution, you probably shouldn’t sneak in.

Oh, C-3PO and R2D2 are apparently the comedy now. About an hour too late to save the movie from being really annoying.

So, Anakin gets to fight locusts from Halo while Padme plays Frogger?

…C-3PO’s brand of comedy is currently annoying me more than Jar Jar’s did. Perhaps due to the obvious CG being really obvious. And what’s this about R2 always getting himself into trouble? You’ve known the droid how long, exactly, C-3PO? I’ve known him longer, and I only just found out he has jet rockets. Which are quite cool.

Okay, what the heck is this factory actually making? They sealed Anakin onto the conveyor belt only to chop up what they made. That seems pointless. Less like a factory, more like an intentional death trap.

…Oh, God. Padme dropped the L-word. With some terrible dialogue. How I wish that word had been lesbian. Oh God, please make it stop. Please. Oh, sweet “Gladiator” goodness, yes.

With all the many many alien languages these different races use, the people of this universe seem really educated to understand so many so fluently.

So, I’m wondering. Can people only use the Force with their hands and brains? Shouldn’t they be able to levitate or use it without their hands somehow?

…what happened to the shield generators for the droids?

Oh, snap! Sam Jackson, bringing the badassery and a crapton of lightsabers to go with it! But I have to give Jango props. In a world where everybody uses lasers, having a flamethrower is a great addition to your arsenal.

…man, we’re still getting hijinks in the middle of really cool battles? I want cool battles, not laughs. See, Jango killing the rhino thing in one shot, that’s what I- oh, crap. He just got executed like crazy. Well, if anyone could do it, it had to be Mace Windu.

…follow that up immediately with C-3PO idiocy. Do not want.

…“This is such a drag.” “I’m quite beside myself.” …Did they get this stuff from a Laffy Taffy packet?

Oh snap, Jedi in a pickle. But wait, look above! It’s the deus ex machina, and his name is Yoda. Wondered when he’d come back.

Ooh, Boba found his dad’s head. That can’t be good for his psyche.

Wait, Dooku doesn’t know about the army? But Jango was on his side. How the heck does he not know? And all the evidence from before suggested Dooku was the one that ordered the darn thing. Is this going to be another “What a Twist!” moment? Nah, he’s probably just faking it.

So, this battle kind of happened rather suddenly. But it’s still pretty cool.

Wait, the master plan is a ball of some kind? Is it a nuke? I bet it’s a nuke. I was wondering why they don’t have nukes in this universe.

Okay, the dust storm from the falling ball of ship was pretty awesome, but how the crap could anyone see anything?

Oh, yes. Anakin and Obi-Wan can handle things. Like they have so many times before. And what the heck are those lasers hitting that’s exploding? How do lasers blow up mid-air? Still, I’d rather pay attention to this strange anomaly than listen to Anakin anymore.

Congrats, Anakin. You’re an impetuous idiot. But lightning was probably not something terribly expected. Still, Force-pushing was an obvious possibility. …in fact, I don’t see how Jedi fights don’t devolve into shoving matches more often.

Okay, I kind of like the fight by the light of only the sabers, but focusing only on the faces kind of kills the effect slightly. Especially Anakin’s face. And why the heck isn’t Anakin screaming in pain after getting his arm cut in half? Obi-Wan’s in agony after being pinked.

…Dude. Yoda can catch lightning. Awesome.

…Dude. Minus the really strange grunting, this Yoda lightsaber battle is exactly the fight I’ve wanted since last movie’s fight was so disappointing. …and now it’s over. Why is everything that’s good in this movie over so quickly?

Space sailboat? That’s neat. …wonder what the sails are for.

…okay, is Courascant just made out of city?

Oh, snap! Dooku’s in league with Sidious! …That was really obvious!

Wait, why is it the Clone War? Or “Attack of the Clones”? It was more like the attack of the droids. And isn’t it a civil war? It’s droids v. clones, I thought. …oh, good. Padme and Anakin are married. Maybe that means all the crappy romancing will be over, because Anakin was seriously awful at it. As were the writers for this movie. *shudder*

And, like last movie, it ends on a upper. Maybe they’re all secretly feel good movies? Well, so this was clearly the “Temple of Doom” of the first trilogy. The conclusion has to be better. I mean, whatever flaws I found in “The Phantom Menace” were nothing compared to this… Here’s hoping for something better in the next movies.

And I officially abhor this movie even more than before. Which is difficult, because I REALLY hate this movie. And Hayden Christensen. If you can’t tell. Keeping in character and not exploding in vitriol was more difficult than I thought it’d be. …next movie won’t be much easier, if I remember it at all.

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Second First Time Viewer – The Phantom Menace

Just to remind people what this section is about. I’ve seen this movie before, but I’m going back and trying to watch the entire Star Wars series as though I’ve never heard of any of the plot or seen any of the films, like I’m brand new to it all. This somewhat long post is basically me writing up my thoughts and reactions to the movie as I watch it. Some things will be entertaining to those who HAVE seen the movies and know what I’m going to run into later. Watch the movie and read this to better understand what I was seeing when I wrote.

So, I’m  ready to get this “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” thing a try. Looking at the box, I can’t find where it tells how long the movie is. Here’s hoping it’s not another “Saving Private Green Mile Titanic.”

Movie starts. It tells me the story took place a long time ago in a galaxy far away. That’s cool. Then the wall crawl tells me that the movie is about trade embargos and taxes.

…not so cool.

Also, how is it that anyone that doesn’t live in our galaxy is so much cooler than us, what with all their spaceships? Spaceships that, apparently, 14-year-olds can pilot.

Ooh, Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor. Good actors. Movie has potential.

Wait, living force? What the heck is that? Hopefully, something that’ll be explained later.

Okay, I guess the unintelligible fish aliens think droids are an acceptable loss. And, ooh, a hologram of a guy in a cloak. I reckon that makes the fish aliens bad guys, since they’re talking  to him. Oh, they blew up the 14-year-old. Yep, bad guys.

And I guess Jedi Knights are really good at holding their breath. And wield what looks to be the coolest glowsticks ever. Those things would kill at a nightclub.

…literally, apparently. That sure is melting the metal doors pretty fast. So, fish guy number 2 seems afraid of these Jedi guys. …wait, never mind. Apparently they’re only scary if there aren’t any droid balls around. It’s weird how quickly they went from “We won’t survive this” to celebration.

Ooh, Queen Amidala. She… looks kind of like a china doll. And, oh, look. Lying politicians. Well, that’s relatable.

…so, okay, apparently AT&T coverage sucks in other galaxies, too. But it’s weird how they go from “Crap, dropped phone call” to “We’re about to be invaded!” Seems like a jump. …but, since they’re right, maybe that’s just the standard invasion tactic for this universe. Or coverage is actually SO good, it only stops working when malicious intent is involved.

…Okay, Liam Neeson just hugged this retarded lizard thing to save his life, because retarded lizard thing doesn’t know how to move out of the way of something moving 5 miles an hour. Oh, he says he expects he’s brainless. Oh, no, he said he speaks. Man, these aliens have some really weird speech patterns.

Okay, 5 minutes with this idiot lizard and I just have to hope he’s going to grow into some serious comic relief (yay, oxymoron), because it’s embarrassing for something to be unable to walk straight.

Ooh, that city looks pretty neat. Like the gas bubble trees in “Titan A.E.” Aaaand I reckon the entire race of lizard people are comic relief. But, as afraid of outsiders as they seem to be, they’re kind of accomidating to give the Jedi transportation and oh my. What’s with the shaking spitting fit? Is that Gungan for “Agreed”? It’s official. Gungans are comic relief.

Some bigger fish jokes. Well, this film seems to be pretty lighthearted. And fond of showing off the pretty effects it can make.

This Force thing got mentioned again. Is it supposed to be a supernatural fix-all?

Hm. Quick travel over some meadows and the army already grabbed the capital city. The Jedi must have been really slow going, being that they went through the core of the planet. …which was made of water. Which is a bit strange, now that I think about it.

Oh, dude. Qui-Gon just shoved a couple droids from, like, 10 feet away. Is that the Force? The ability to shove people without touching them? That’d make wrestling a little pointless.

Things happen pretty fast in this movie… And, really, I don’t mind Jar Jar Binks being comic relief, I just wish he were better at it.

So, the cloaked baddies are the Sith. Whatever those are. And apparently they’re the devil. Not just in looks, since the Trade Federation guys make it out like they’ve just signed their souls away.

…wait, they’re commending a robot for completing its job? Are robots sentient in this universe? Can they choose not to do their job? And the cleaning girl has a name. I guess that means she’ll be important later. Probably a love interest.

…okay, why exactly is Qui-Gon taking Jar Jar and the droid? Maybe I missed the explanation for that decision. No, wait, Jar Jar stepped in poo. Never mind, I see why he’s there now. All that delicious comic relief.

Aw, it’s the kid from “Jingle All The Way.” …Aw, he’s hitting on the cleaning girl, despite looking at least 10, 15 years younger. Kinda creepy, but he’s doing it in a cute, kid way. …And he’s a slave? …alright, well, kid slave will definitely not be allowed for the entire film. I think.

Okay, so apparently, Jedi are supposed to be able to manipulate people’s thoughts. Unless they’re flying used car salespeople. …Trying to get out of paying with local currency kind of makes Qui-Gon a bit of a dick, though. But I suppose it’s a desperate time.

Okay, how does Jar Jar speak the languages of the locals? And how is he so blissfully unaware that he shouldn’t steal? He really is mentally deficient, isn’t he.

So, new character… another droid. I guess he and R2D2 are supposed to be… what, more comic relief?

Okay, the Trade Federation is killing people on Naboo? Why can’t they contact this Senate and ask for intervention? That seems to be what the group on Tatooine is flying through space to do. Pretty obviously screams trap.

Oh, the Sith want revenge? I wonder why. I guess that’ll get explained later, too.

Okay, so Anakin is a racer, Watto is a gambler… Well, I reckon if this movie is going to continue on its “feel good most of the time” path, Anakin’s going to win a race that Qui-Gon bets on. And since he just bet the ship, that seems like a definite yes.

Jedi are psychics? Man, this force thing is really a giant fix- wait, he has no father? Anakin is the product of a virgin birth? …is this a Jesus allegory? Kid born of a virgin in the desert, set on giving freedom to all the slaves (like Jesus freeing people from the slavery of sin)?

Wait, midi-chlorian? I guess that’s what lets Jedi tap into the Force or something? There seems to be some amount of stuff that’s just suggested as opposed to said in this movie, or things that are just mentioned with expectations that you know what they’re about, but maybe explanations are forthcoming.

Uh-oh. Satan Sith landed on the planet. That’s not going to be good.

Oh, and now Anakin’s freedom is on the line. Man, Qui-Gon seems to be addicted to this gambling thing. And this cheating thing. At least, I assume that’s why he moved his hand. He only ever seems to do that when he’s cheating. Seems like an abuse of power.

There really are some very strange looking aliens in this universe. And some oddly “accepting of spying” aliens.

…wait, why is C-3PO the flag bearer? Isn’t he a random incomplete droid? And why is there a random fart joke? Like, a seriously random fart joke. They cut away to make a fart joke. That’s just weird. I can’t tell if this movie is a comedy or a drama.

…wow, the Hutt are really fat. I guess they’re the type of gangsters that rule by fear. Or maybe they’re like Spiderman’s Kingpin, surprisingly strong and agile.

And the race is about to start… I hope it’s better than NASCAR. Ah, explosions, plus the earlier cheating… Yup, more like “Speed Racer” than NASCAR. That’s good.

…there’s some seriously random comedy in this movie. It seems somewhat disjointed at times. Jabba knocking a random creature off a ledge to its doom I guess could be to solidify his character as a bit of a dick…

…man, they’re spending a lot of time on this race. The movie’s pace slowed down quite a bit here… And what exactly were they building in the middle of the racetrack over there?

Alright. Despite adversity, the only human wins the race (as expected, thank you Disney for setting the standard for obvious feel good plots). In fact, he is the only one to finish the race. Finishing seems to be rare.

Oh, wow. Obi-Wan seems only a little jealous of Anakin. “Another pathetic lifeform”? Man, what a jerk. I mean, the kid’s an excited, happy little boy that’s crazy well-endowed with midi-chlorians. And he can walk straight, making him better than Jar Jar.

The random switch to a first person view from C-3PO’s viewpoint was kind of weird. There are definitely some strange choices being taken in this film. It’s like there’s someone meddling with the movie somehow, adding in little things they think would look cool whether they fit or not.

Why the heck is Qui-Gon running oh wait it’s Darth Maul. And he has a crazy laser sword, too! Silly Anakin, thinking only Jedi get those. …unless the Sith are Jedi, somehow. Like a rogue sect or something.

…dude, the Trade Federation guy is kind of a pompous guy, but a spider throne? Points for being creepy as hell.

…oh, a secret night meeting between Padme and Anakin. I reckon that we’ve just been given the romantic coupling I mentioned before. …I guess Anakin will be Ashton Kutcher to Padme’s Demi Moore, because there’s a serious age difference there. And is he old enough to be liking girls? It’s just… kind of creepy. Especially how Padme keeps encouraging it.

“The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates.” An allegory of Jesus AND an allegory of American politics? Man, these metaphors are getting all tangled. Maybe there should be a Jesus in America movie. But this Palpatine guy seems to be just as politician as the people he’s deriding.

Oh, snap, Samuel Jackson. This movie had better get badass fast.

Okay, so this Force, seems to be a God allegory. Or something. Fate? But Fate that can shove droids away at 10 paces… how weird. But it’s a genetic thing, so how can it have a fate/will? Unless midi-chlorians are just, like, communication towers. How confusing. Whatever.

So, the beaurecrats have the Senate leader in their pocket, as well as half the Senate, but the entire Senate is cool with an immediate change in leadership? …kind of odd no one voted no confidence before.

Hm. Interesting philosophy. Fear leads to hate, hate to anger, anger to suffering. …I’ll have to think on that later.

Oh, Palpatine is nominated to be Chancellor. Totally called that. He was pretty obviously shooting for it from the start. And if I know anything about politics, he’s probably a dick, despite seeming like a nice guy. (Man, I was trying to avoid politics for a while.)

Wait, mystery of the Sith? They sounded like they knew who the Sith were before.

Okay, maybe Obi-Wan wanted to get it on with Padme. Is that’s why he’s jealous?

Oh, an explanation of midi-chlorians! …so, they’re like Golgi bodies that talk to people. And they’re in every living cell. …but I guess some people shove more in their cells than other people. …they talk to people, though? …That’s kind of freaky. And makes Jedi seem like crazy people. How do non-Jedi not hear the things? …how confusing.

Oh, dear. Amidala needs Jar Jar’s help. That might end poorly.

Wait, why can’t the Jedi use their power to help Amidala? They haven’t seemed too shy about it before.

Random thing I notice, but one of those handmaidens seems kind of stoned. Wait, Padme is Amidala? What a twist! …that isn’t terribly surprising. But shouldn’t Qui Gonn have been able to figure that out, what with the mind reading thing Jedi can do?

And there’s the shaky spittle thing again. I guess it’s like a Gungan handshake. I can only imagine what Brian Blessed looked like in the recording room.

Wait, Boss Nass is making the guy that was exiled for being colossally clumsy is being made a general? Man, there’s a lot of sense being tossed out for the sake of inevitable slap stick in this film.

Ooh, a war between “primitives” and those more technologically advanced and cocky about it. Insert “Braveheart”/American Revolution/6-Day War/”Last Samurai” reference here. Wait, that last one ended poorly…

Another random thought… the foot soldier droids kind of remind me of the gun turrets in Portal. They’re just silly.

Why exactly are they letting Amidala fight? Seems like the opposite of what her bodyguards should allow.

Oh, snap. Lots of army. Gungans have their work cut out for them. And apparently way more people than there are Naboo. Where’s their army, anyway? Or, you know… people?

“Stay in the cockpit”? You’re telling a kid that flies pod racers, a curious 10-year-old (I’m guessing) to stay in a ship? That’ll end well.

Oh snap, Darth Maul. With a laser quarterstaff! Heck yes. Screw swords, quarterstaves are so much cooler. …though the fight isn’t nearly as cool as the weapons, special abilities of the fighters and music are leading me to believe it should be.

…Okay, more slapstick hijinks from Jar Jar. This movie isn’t even taking war and death all that seriously.

Going up the side of the building? That was pretty cool. Jumping down next to a guy with a laser staff that could have cut off your ankles by twitching? That was pretty dumb. Good thing Maul missed the opportunity. …and what is up with the randomly dispersed force fields going on and off? What purpose do they have? Dramatic tension?

Jar Jar. Why the heck are you running toward the bad guys? This movie seems to go out of its way to show that Jar Jar has no thoughts of self-preservation.

Alright, so we reach the part of the battle where every group is in a pickle. Gungans are on the run, Amidala’s captured, Anakin’s stuck… and holy crap, they just killed Liam Neeson. Wow. That’s ballsy. And the first time death seems to be given a serious chord in this movie. Heck, first time there’s a blatantly serious chord hit period in the film.

Meanwhile, Jar Jar’s shown his first bit of self-preservation, the Viceroy’s an idiot and Obi-Wan seems to have skipped fear and gone straight to anger. But at least the fight got more interesting. …okay, up until the point he fell into a pit, that’s going to suck for him.

Of course, Anakin’s saving the day… but how exactly DID he get in there anyway? Seems like a major design flaw in their most important asset… one that completely lost them the war. I should hope the bad guys learn to do better next time around, because that’s a pretty preventable problem.

Ooh, Obi-Wan kicks some ass! And Darth Maul is apparently so shocked by Obi-Wan’s sudden competency that he loses his ability to react. To anything. And then falls apart. Heheh.

Aw, snap. Politician is already putting his claws in the kid. That can’t be good.

So, next movie will be about training Anakin, I reckon, and the mysterious cloaked Darth Sidious. Wait, after talking about the Sith, they made a suspicious cut to focus on Palpatine. …Nah, can’t be. Politicians are dicks, not cool evil villians.

Okay, celebration parade, I get. Glowy ball? I don’t quite get. …Ending on glowy ball, I also don’t quite get, but whatever. Ending on a high note, that’s cool.

So, that’s “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.” Alright, I guess, but really disjointed and lacking fluid sense at some parts. And the tone never really settled in well. But surely it’ll get better. It’s usually by the fourth movie that things really suck in a series of more than 3. …Or the second or third, so, really, there’s absolutely no telling. Still, an okay film that will hopefully proceed to make a little more sense later. And figure out what it’s about, too.

Having rewatched the from this perspective, I realize now that there were a whole heck of a lot of flaws I let slide thanks to my fan goggles. Man. And, while I still don’t mind Jar Jar that much, I am seeing more reasons why people abhor him. The Lucas fingerprints are all over this… Hoo boy, the next two movies are going to be interesting…

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Another Segment, Another Copout

So, I’ve realized that, as of late, I’ve been doing a lot of political posts, many of which may make it seem like I hate Republicans. That’s simply untrue. I thought Plato was an okay guy. (Philosophy humor for the win!) But seriously, not only do I not want to seem like someone that eats the children of conservatives world over, I also don’t want to rant politic all the time. …but politics is such an overflowing fount of inspiration, and sometimes real life is boring/exhausting. So, I turned to a friend for a suggestion.

She said I should review a movie. Well, I don’t get to see movies often, though I did enjoy writing the two film reviews I wrote for The Crimson White. So, she suggested reviewing an old one. Okay, sure… but which one?

Then she got a guacamole craving and things derailed from there.

Anyway, I went to work today and was reminded by the sight of the Electronics department manager clad in Jedi robes that today was the release of the Star Wars Blu-ray disc set. In talking with my department manager about this, she made mention that she’s never seen the Star Wars series. Not a single movie from it.

I still find it odd when people say they’ve not seen these classic, hugely popular films. But, then again, I suppose it’s not that different from someone not having seen “Casablanca” (I haven’t) or “Citizen Kane,” even though the Star Wars series has stretched into our generation pretty heftily.

I of course told her to watch the original Episodes IV, V and VI, and to just ignore the existence of I, II and III, as any good sci-fi/Star Wars fan should. But I got to thinking…

…what would it be like to start at Episode I having never seen Star Wars before?

Well, I can’t quite figure out what that’d be like… but I can certainly try.

So, I’m going to announce two new segments to the blog (since I can’t do what I wanted to do tonight).

First, Big Screen Ballyhoo will be a segment in which I review a new film. …it may be a bit before that segment comes out, but I’m sure I’ll get paid eventually.

Second, Second First Time Viewer will be where I watch a movie that I, and likely most everyone else, has seen many times over and try to review it while I watch it as though it were my first time. …I’m certain I’ll have some out of character segments that I can’t resist, but I’ll try to stick to the plan as best as possible.

Isn’t this exciting? Me adding two new segments to my blog? Because that’s the sort of thing that can excite you, dear reader. Me talking about how I’ll be talking about stuff later.

…Yeah, today’s a slow day.

But wait, there’s more! As I was talking before, I was wondering what it’d be like to start Star Wars at Episode I having never seen them before. So, my next 6 blog posts will be dedicated to that experiment. And may God have mercy on my soul, because, while it’s been a while since I’ve seen Star Wars, I can’t remember being too fond of the prequels.

But it should be a fun experiment. And perhaps even a funny one. Or it could be a total train wreck. Who knows? Starting tomorrow, I reckon we’ll see. Maybe it’ll be good to not know how terrible an addition midi-chlorians were!

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