It’s the last Indiana Jones film. Considering how poorly the movie went over with the fan base, and how old Harrison Ford is getting, perhaps the last ever (in Hollywood’s understand of “eve” of course, since they’ll reboot it 2 minutes after Ford dies). Of course, if movie makers listened to what makes movies crappy, the world might be a better place. Anyway, be prepared for a slew of pop culture references in this one, and not all of them good. At least it’s shorter this go round.
And now, the final Indiana Jones film. “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” Not as hokey sounding as “Temple of Doom,” but it definitely still seems to have that B-movie quality to the title. But, hey, let’s give it a shot. Who knows what’ll happen? Though the title and the item on the cover of the DVD reminds me of a “Stargate: SG-1” episode.
And there’s the mountain again. Only it’s a molehill this time? Oh, no, a gopher hole.
Hm. Starting with a song. …that’s how “Temple of Doom” started. Hm.
Ooh, the credits say Jim Broadbent! Let’s hope he has a bigger role than Alfred Molina had in “Raiders.”
…alright, it feels like I’m 5 minutes into this movie and absolutely nothing has actually happened. Is there a purpose to teenagers trying to race the Army?
OH SNAP, MUTINY. Soldiers shooting soldiers doesn’t ever seem to go all that well. Unless you’re Bruce Willis in your second Die Hard movie. …wow, I’m already starting with the references? At least I didn’t say it was a trap. …though I just did.
Oh, Lord. Indy looks intensely old. Like, man. Really old, and angry about it. Also like he hates Russians.
I KNOW you didn’t just break some priceless artifacts that Indy stole! Only Indy is allowed to do that!
…what is creepy Ukrainian lady doing? Is this some sort of Jedi thing? Has Lucas blurred the lines between the series he’s involved in?
…she has a sword? Well, that’s old school.
Okay, who the heck is this guy that’s partnered with Indy? He seems mostly useless.
…Why are we raping physics so early in the movie? If the artifact you were looking for was so freaking magnetic, wouldn’t the metal guns and metal things you people have on your person be going rather nuts? Or, you know, the rest of the gunpowder and bullets you have and are using to find it? OH COME ON, now the lights are being dragged along? What, was the wooden cart the only thing keeping the magnetic properties of the box from grabbing at everything except what Indy wanted it to grab at? …this movie is already frustrating me. This is NOT a good sign.
Oh, Mac’s a double crossing tosser. Two in a row, eh? And you don’t even get to SLEEP with this one, Indy! …at least, as far as I know.
Okay, the tossing the loaded gun to shoot someone in the foot thing is really one of the oldest tricks ever. Military units need to plan for these things, man.
Ah. Who knows what priceless artifacts were just destroyed in that improbable explosion of crates?
Well, Mac, apparently you DO know him. You might should have jumped out of the car.
And Indy is being choked yet again. Baddies seem to love that.
Well, there’s an amusement park ride idea. How many Gs can YOU survive? Apparently Indy can handle a lot more than a chicken Russian soldier.
Good that Jones found a town. With no running water or people. …except for plastic people?
…why the hell is there a real, working TV and real water in the sprinklers if this is a nuclear testing site? And how the living hell is Indy going to survive this?
…a lead lined fridge. A freaking lead lined refrigerator. Nothing else gets tossed out of that huge explosion. Just a single refrigerator. Not many. Just one.
…WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP?! THAT MADE NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. THAT’S TWO PHYSICS RAPES IN 20 MINUTES. ARGH!
…holy crap, it’s the Janitor. That’s distracting. Which is good for how things are now.
Oh, snap! The FBI is all doubting Indy and stuff! I bet they’s going to get all sorts of smacked down!
…What happened to Marcus? I mean, I like Broadbent, but I liked Marcus, too.
…aw, he resigned for you, Indy. You can’t be a dick to him anymore. He’s good people.
Oh my God, that was hokey. “I never should have doubted you, my friend.” Even Harrison Ford didn’t think that line was any good.
Oh. Marcus is dead. And so is Papa Jones. This is the most distressing news ever. Next you’ll tell me Sallah and Indy are both dead, too, and this is all a dream of some random kid.
…and there’s Shia LaBeouf as a random kid. …a random, apparently murderous kid.
Oh, someone else is going to kill him. Never mind. He’s just a random kid named Mutt. …I wonder if he’s going to be more annoying than Short Round.
Ooh, El Dorado. Cue my memories of the cartoon movie.
Oh, Mutt. You are faaaaaaaaar too excited about this power stuff.
…oh, Mutt. You are so very much not the Fonz.
I thought you knew he was a teacher, Mutt? You called him professor on the train, right?
…oh my Lord. More cliches. The knife to a gun fight thing? People don’t actually say that when it’s literal. At least, I don’t think they do. I’ve never been in that situation.
And now we have a greaser vs. jock fight? This is the most cliched movie I think I’ve seen in a while. It’s like they’re afraid you’ll forget what year the film takes place.
Hm. Once again, Indy shows off that his clothing is insanely well made. Most shoes wouldn’t do so hot on the road at those speeds.
Funny how all the anti-Commie propaganda is only screwing with the Commies.
How many languages does Indy speak? Goodness. And good grief, that was a fast translation.
Oh, snap! Those lines were in Assassin’s Creed! The crossover is more possible than ever!
Look at Mutt and those mad knife flipping skills! ISN’T HE JUST SO COOL?! He’s even too cool for school! …I’m admittedly surprised that line didn’t actually get said.
Wait, you didn’t actually work out the riddle on the long flight to Peru? Sloppy, Indy. Just sloppy.
What the hell did this guy have access to in order to dig such deep gouges into the rocks?
Isn’t it neat how a lot of other people seem to actually do most of the finding things for Indy?
Uh-oh! It’s the natives again! This probably won’t end well for Indy. Especially not with the whole dart thing. …and how the heck does he know they’re poison? …and how the heck did that dart stick? Was it double ended or something? That seems dangerous for poisonous darts.
Aw, Mutt’s a scared little dog. Come on, man, don’t be a Willie. I will punch something if you try to be a Willie.
…okay, really, Mutt? You couldn’t notice the large scorpion crawling around near you? It even had accompanying bad guy/creepy bug music.
Actually, the Coneheads were all demi-gods. The more you know.
“Touch nothing but the lamp!” …well, that reference would have made more sense if everything were gold. Then again, so would have Indy’s worry that Mutt would go touch happy. Of course, the last kid he was with had that weird medical condition where he touched everything all the time.
…daggum it, Indy. Cutting open the mummified remains of 500-year-old bodies? I just do not understand your archeological methods.
Oh my God, not with the plot-selective magnetism again. Physics is just going to get all sorts of bad touch, isn’t it?
Isn’t that the skull from one of the aliens from “Alien?”
Ah. It’s not real magnetism. Clearly that explains why it’s only attracted to moving the plot forward or making showy effects.
I bet he put it back for the same reason Papa Jones sent you his diary. To avoid letting the baddies get it. But such trains of thought are for lesser people.
Oh, Mac. No matter how much you want it, you’ll never be Scrooge McDuck. Especially not if you’re calling them conquestadors.
I thought Oppenheimer said Shiva, not death. Whatever.
Oh, Lord. She’s touching Indy. Is she the one Indy’s going to sleep with? That’ll make things awkward.
Aliens! Totally called it! …they don’t look quite like the ones in “Alien,” but who cares, close enough.
…Hasn’t Indy said things about bedtime stories a billion times before? Hasn’t he always, ALWAYS been wrong?
…Psychics and aliens… well, this is new for Indy, at least.
Sleeper agents? Well, that sounds historically accurate. At least, according to my Hollywood knowledge.
…oh, lucidity gained at a distance. Ho-hum.
Ha! He did tell you he’d break your nose.
OH, SWEET JESUS, IT’S MARION! Yes! The one woman that didn’t suck! …she doesn’t sound as tough now. Sad. But she does sound just as mean, which is nice.
Hm. Is Ox the chancellor from “V for Vendetta?”
Indy seems far more excited than reluctant. At least with the Nazis he seemed a bit reluctant helping them.
Wait, MUTT is pulling off the rescue? He really is the Short Round of the film.
…Why in the hell was Indy turning teacher while being sucked into sand, be it quick or not? He’s never done that before. That was just weird.
Wait, Indy and Marion actually had sex? Indy managed to stay awake for long enough?
Aw, Indy. Still a chicken when it comes to snakes, eh? Snakes that can’t be too happy about being used as rope.
You really thought telling the crazy person to get help in the middle of the jungle filled with Commies was going to turn out well?
Man, these Russians sure are fond of destroying the rain forest.
I agree with the Russian. Shut the hell up, please.
I thought the Nazi woman’s problem was that she was a Nazi woman, not that she wasn’t Marion.
Gotta admit, the “son” thing, and adapting to it so quickly, is rather awkward. Call him kid or something. Whippersnapper, perhaps.
Probably should have tossed the Russian off the truck after freeing yourselves.
…Mac is confusing as hell. And, it seems, a massive opportunist.
…I get the feeling that things are going to get wacky soon. And not in a good way.
Oh. Mac’s a double agent. Really?
How does Marion know about riposte? And fencing? At least Mutt has failed out of schools that taught the stuff.
Dude. Seriously. Get out of that amazingly awkward as hell position. Fighting while getting your crotch slapped by trees isn’t good for you.
Oh my God. Oh God. Mutt is one with the monkeys. What the hell is this, “Jumanji?” Was there an office pool to see where most people left the theatre? Tarzan LaBeouf probably lost some audience members. Not to mention the monkeys that only attack Commies.
Man, it’s a good thing the good guys, including the mentally unstable guy, have better reflexes than anyone else in the movie.
…and suddenly I’m reminded of an unfortunate episode of “MacGyver.” Peter Jurasik kind of got eaten by ants.
…Y’know, I kind of liked the artifacts that didn’t seem to be imbued with a bunch of random, disjointed powers. Like the power of Moses’ staff, if the Red Sea were made of ants.
…did those ants seriously just make a tower out of themselves? …how many total loads of crap am I going to be forced to accept in this film?
You do NOT take Indy’s hat. Even if you’re a massive colony of the biggest fire ants ever.
…do we have to do the whole ant guts on the camera thing?
Oh, look, the car landed in a tree springy enough to kill some Commie Russians. Apparently, I’m to just keep accepting stupid things until the end of the movie. Things like the amazingly “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”-esque floating car.
Ah. Marion’s nuts, too. Like the good old days.
Um, the skull told you to return it? And you just accept that, Indy? Unlike you.
Aaaaand here come the booby traps! …in the form of natives? …how long have they been just sitting up there?
Seriously, it might be faster to trip and fall your way down the ziggurat.
Hm. Someone’s been dropping breadcrumbs for the Commies. I wonder. Could it be that Mac is just a money grubber siding with whoever happens to be winning at the time?
I note that Indy didn’t actually wait for Mac to move out of the way. Makes me think he was more than willing to “accidentally” smash his skull open. Indy sure has gotten ornery in his old age.
Guys. Screaming “Faster” does not actually improve your speed. Not sure if you knew that. Physics seems to be something no one actually knows about in this universe.
Oh, Mutt. Ruining mushy moments on PURPOSE. So much more talented than Short Round.
Ah, the slaughter of natives. What a wonderful group of baddies.
I was thinking earlier that this seemed more like “National Treasure” than “Indiana Jones.” And then they stumble on the random collection of priceless artifacts, just like Nic Cage. Needs more Masons, though.
So much easier than the gates of Moria.
Who the heck took that skull in the first place, I wonder?
How the heck does this Russian chick know anything about these aliens?
Okay, I KNOW that line was in Star Wars. Lucas, get your hands off this movie NOW.
Wait, how was Mac the only one smart enough to get the hell out of dodge when this stuff started up? Granted, he stuck around to grab treasures like a tool, but still. I’d’ve definitely left a while ago.
Nice to see you’re sane again, Ox. …I guess.
…okay, this is just weird. This entire thing? Weird. Very, very weird. I really don’t know what to make of it. It’s just… odd. And seems really out of place.
Ooh, it’s water in a tight place! I wonder if it’s going to defy physics, too.
Okay, so there was a spaceship under the ziggurat. …I swear, it’s like Lucas and Spielberg got high and drunk while watching “Stargate: SG-1.” Spielberg said, “You know what this could use? More ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind.’” And Lucas said, “And I could add my whimsical, beloved flavor, like I did to the Star Wars franchise so popularly!” Drunk and high.
Wait, the fact that Indy wasn’t around as a father figure is a point of humor, not trauma? …okay.
Um, I guess Broadbent got his job back or something? As did Indy? Did the FBI just let all their paranoia go when Mac ended up dead? …there is so much to not understand in this film.
Okay, Mutt, that reaction makes it seem like YOU wanted to kiss your mom. That’s probably not the right reaction to have, just so you know.
Oh GOD no. We are NOT having “Shy The Beef” continue on as the next Indy Jones. I refuse. This movie was just… Oye. What a headache. Definitely NOT a shining hour for the franchise. I don’t remember laughing even once. Even “Temple of Doom” made me laugh, even if it wasn’t on purpose.
I don’t think I’m even going to bother trying to tag this post with the many, many references I made. I’ll put in the big ones I remember, but, man. This movie was just not really good at all. Fortunately for it (and, strangely enough, me), I think watching “Star Wars Episode II” so recently has damaged me so badly that this movie didn’t suck nearly as hard as it did when I watched it in theaters. Of course, then there was the whole element of major disappointment, too. And, thinking about it… just about every series of films has a terrible, godawful movie included in it. …and by golly, I’ll do this to them all. But for now, thanks for sticking with me. Also, apologies to those that read the entire thing as it was originally posted. I didn’t notice that the text got up there twice somehow. Oops.