The Very Not Nice Guys Of OKCupid

So, you know how I’ve talked about how frustrated men that refer to themselves as “nice guys” have kind of created a mythical place known as the “friend zone” in order to sort of make people envision them as being imprisoned unjustly? A sort of place that they’re trapped in unfairly, and if someone would just give them a chance then they’d be fantastic?

I’ve mentioned that I understand the frustration and even used the term “friend zone” once as a way to convey being turned down as a potential partner earlier that day. I used to generally consider myself a nice person, an okay companion (though self-esteem issues have shot that line of thought right in the kipper… whatever that is (apparently it’s a fish, so please don’t ask why I’m using the word, I honestly haven’t a clue except that it sounds appropriate)). I generally avoided, and still do, trying to say, “I’m a nice guy.” The way I see it, it’s kind of like saying, “I’m not racist.” If you have to clarify and make that statement, then you’re probably racist. Not to mention, there is a massive “But…” that seems implied to the end of that. Like saying, “I’m not racist, but black people are just dumber than white people.” That statement and belief? That makes you racist.

So, when people say, “I’m a nice guy,” I kind of wait for the but. Thing is, the but is usually not something they say. Men won’t say, “I’m a nice guy, but I would totally rape that woman.” If only they’d say that. No, instead, there are unconscionable people that simply do horrific things like that. Am I saying all people claiming to be nice guys are rapists? No, of course not. But some of them? Yeah.

Though, actually, it’s funny how I said they usually don’t say the “but.” Because on OKCupid, they say it ALL THE TIME.

OKCupid is a free online dating website. I got one years and years ago, back when they were known for their random quizzes, like the ones that used to be on Facebook that would determine your Hogwarts house and your personality type and yadda yadda. I misspelled my screen name, too. It’s utterly dreadful and I’m sure it makes me look like a complete idiot, but I don’t want to change my screen name because then I’d have to re-answer all the questions I’ve already answered. …well, I may do it someday.

Anyway, my failed methods of attracting the opposite gender aren’t the point. OKCupid determines your compatibility with someone through a series of questions. There are thousands of these things. The more you answer, the more accurate your compatibility rating will be, supposedly. You get rated as match percentage, friend percentage and enemy percentage. You can tell them how important the question is to you and which answers you’ll accept from a potential mate. It’s interesting to be sure.

What’s really interesting is the number of “nice guys” that go on there and answer questions that basically fill out that but for them. “I’m a nice guy, but I think there are times when my partner is obligated to have sex with me.” That’s just one example.

Now, unfortunately, the site took a hit of some kind and lost its archive (it’s rebuilding at the moment), but there’s a Tumblr account called Nice Guys of OKCupid that is dedicated to finding these supposed “nice guys,” pointing out their hypocrisies and terrible natures and serving up a bit of sass to them. And I think it’s a great public service. A guy says he’d be willing to take advantage of a drunk woman? Bzzt! Not dating material.

If only these “nice guys” would be more up front about this stuff in real life… at least some of them are showing their true colors online. Because true colors… well, that’s something to discuss later. For now, just be satisfied in knowing that you aren’t a “nice guy” if you generally disrespect a woman and her right to choose how she looks or what she does in her free time.

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7 thoughts on “The Very Not Nice Guys Of OKCupid

  1. mharper says:

    In fairness, what do women say to some of these questions? We aren’t all lily-white, you know.

    • linaloki says:

      Oh, some of the women are pretty o_O too. But, strangely, there aren’t too many questions about what a man should be obligated to do or not, not that I recall. There was one girl that said there is an instance wherein her partner would be obligated to sleep with her: Her wedding night (with an lol attached). I thought that was whimsical.

      I suppose it comes down to the idea that, as we live in a patriarchal, heteronormative society, the heterosexual men (the ones with the power) that think these things are continuing oppressive ideas and practices while the woman that think these things are simply being taught that such oppressions/social norms/ideas/practices are the “correct way.” I guess a (likely somewhat inflammatory) comparison would be a slave in 1800s America being okay with being a slave because he or she doesn’t realize there are other options.

  2. mharper says:

    But isn’t the idea of one being “obligated” to engage in sexual activity something that sets a romantic relationship apart from merely being friends?

    This obviously goes way beyond casual dating, but say that one is in a serious relationship, like, about to get married, and say that, for reasons not discussed in depth, the couple has agreed not to have sex before getting married. Now, I would say that, unless the couple agreed beforehand that they would have a sex-less marriage, there exists the assumption that sex will be had, even if the couple hadn’t discussed it explicitly. Or certainly, one party would be mighty shocked if the other announced on the wedding night that he or she had no intention of having sex at all in this marriage. Given that the expectation exists that one has a physical, sexual relationship in a marriage, I think that expectation counts as a kind of obligation–it’s not an obligation predicated on certain conditions (“You will have sex with me every third night”) but on a general consensus that “We will have sex because we are married”.

    • linaloki says:

      I definitely wouldn’t say that. There are many several people in relationships that engage in no sexual activity whatsoever, and many several people not in relationships that do engage regularly in sexual activity. Sure, there’s an assumption that marriage will lead to sex, but there’s not necessarily an assumption that dating will lead to marriage, nor is marriage a reason to feel obligated to have sex. Sex should be a desire, not a duty.

      • mharper says:

        However, our courts acknowledge that spousal abandonment can take the form of the refusal to have sex, and that refusal may be grounds for divorce.

        I suppose this stems from my unfamiliarity with OKCupid–and obviously the above example only applies to marriages, not casual dating. But I think we have to ask ourselves if those who say they feel their partners are obligated to have sex with them are speaking for all occasions, or are suggesting that, if they get married, these guys aren’t signing up for a sex-less marriage.

        Those who do sign on for sex-less marriages are few and far between, I’m sure. It’s what, 1% of the population that’s asexual?

      • linaloki says:

        There’s always friends marrying to get tax breaks and the like, but it is a rarity.

        Thing is, the question says “Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?” You get to add an explanation, so you could say something like “Marriage” in there, but the people that say “Yes” and are featured on the Tumblr (which seems to have been deleted twice over now) never do. And insinuating that there are times when someone might be OBLIGATED to have sex, whether they want to or not, is an immensely dangerous suggestion. If you can give some type of explanation like “Wedding night” or “marriage,” then maybe it’s more acceptable, but the word “obligation” is the dangerous part.

  3. […] a bit ago, I was talking about the not-so-nice guys of OKCupid and the Tumblr dedicated to pointing them out with its fair share of snark. The Tumblr has […]

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