Bumper Sticker Campaign “Promises”

As the GOP nomination process drags on and on, likely to continue well into the summer at this rate, I’ve been noticing a weird trend amongst some of the candidates. They’re settling down with their messages, their styles… and their gaffes. And not only are they settling down, but they’re turning it into predictable, bite-sized little bits of meaningless nothing that can’t figure out how to say anything about what they actually believe.

Constantly, these candidates (minus Ron Paul, for the most part, since he’s pretty much back to where he was before the primaries started up: largely ignored) are having to go visit daytime television shows or cable news shows to explain their views about things they really should have been able to say the first time. And even in those segments, they’re unable to actually solidly say what they think.

Now, the three non-Paul candidates share a few sentiments.

“We will bomb Iran if they get the nuke.”

“We will repeal Obamacare.”

“We will lower gas prices.”

But those little phrases are utterly meaningless.

For Iran: Really? You think bombing a country that obtains nuclear weapons is a good idea? You think that’ll persuade them to not use them if the nukes survive? And, last I checked, isn’t Iran near some other nuclear powers that may not appreciate fighting so close to their home? Besides, does no one think diplomacy is an option for anything anymore? Personally, I think it’s a good thing when the Ayatollah says nicer things about the current American president than he has about pretty much anything remotely American.

For Obamacare: Okay. You’re going to repeal it. And that’s it? Go back to the broken way things were before? Did you know that Americans pay more than twice what people in Chile, Argentina, India, Canada, France, Germany, Spain or Switzerland pay for just a visit to the hospital? The average cost per hospital day in America is $3,949. That’s only $711 less than the people of seven countries excluding Canada pay combined. In other words, we pay a bit too much for health care sometimes. Further, do you realize that with all the unemployment and the part-time employment that’s been going around, there are likely several thousand people that would lose their health insurance if “Obamacare” were repealed? Myself included. (Though I’ve only got dental and vision right now, I’d still lose it.) Because Obamacare gives those just-outta-college-not-able-to-land-a-full-time-job-that-offers-benefits kids under 26 a chance to piggyback off their parents and, y’know… get necessary things done. Do you have an alternative that you’re willing to share?

For gas prices: Well, I’m going to let Fox News defend Barack Obama on this one. The president can’t really do all that much about gas prices, especially not immediately. S0 stop saying stuff you know is crap.

Really, this is the summary I get from the four remaining candidates:

Ron Paul – The candidate that will shrink the federal government to near non-existence, isolate America from the rest of the world (particularly militarily) and not budge on any issues. Take that as you will.

Newt Gingrich – The candidate that fights the elite media with an arrogance unseen since pretty much ever and really offers no feasible plans, instead just spouting off angry “screw you” speeches.

Rick Santorum – The crusader who will fight to bring America back to his idea of a moral state, in which anyone that has performed abortions will be arrested, college will be given no government help, gays will lose what few rights they’ve managed to eke out in the last several years and women will find themselves pretty much screwed in several ways.

Mitt Romney – The candidate that believes he believes the things he said are things worth saying, a man who can’t make up his mind about politics and can’t stop talking about what a rich man he is.

So, in short, we have a candidate who wants America to essentially be 50 isolated mini-countries, a candidate who wants to… I guess shut down the media and live on the moon?, a candidate who wants a theocracy except not really he promises, and a candidate who wants to run America like a business, because business is the only thing we’re pretty sure he definitely stands for.

Maybe you’re all just saving it for Obama. But, seriously? Can you start offering actual plans and telling people what they are instead of running on the ticket of, “At least I’m not THAT guy!”

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