Second First Time Viewer – Return of the Jedi

It has been quite some time since I’ve watched through all the Star Wars movies. That was half fun. The first half, not so much. After this, I should be able to go back and rant endlessly about all things politic until I get tired of hearing myself get angry/getting depressed by all the idiocy going on.

Time for the final Star Wars movie, “Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi.” I don’t know why I’d never watched these movies before. The last two were pretty good. Hopefully this won’t shove a final 30 minutes of film/series ruining suckiness.

So, we get to have the Jedi return this episode! …so… Yoda, I guess. Since that’s about it, right?

Hm, Han’s stuck with Jabba the Hutt and the Empire is building a second weapon to kick the Death Star’s butt. That will be more powerful than the Death Star. …will it destroy suns?

Wait, they’re building the thing in space? …what must be a horrendously sucky project. And judging by the random panels missing, I’d say the workers agree. I sure hope they cover holes those up soon. Wasn’t it a hole that got the first one blown up?

Oh, snap. Palpatine’s coming around for an inspection. …but I’m sure everything will be alright.

Ah, Tatooine. The place it all started. Well, except for Naboo. …what the heck happened to Naboo, anyway?

That’s the creepiest thing to pop out of the window on a door since the mustache on that guy at the Emerald City.

Is R2 shaking in fear? …well, them are some mighty ugly pig people.

Man, Jabba lives like a fat cat. Or a fat slug with a lot of money and ladies.

Oh, God, what is that thing at Jabba’s… well, not feet. Base? It’s ugly. And laughs creepily.

Jabba made Han into a wall fixture? Is that an art deco thing?

I’m still curious as to how droids feel pain. These things must be seriously advanced.

Okay, the droid giving out jobs reminds me of Dr. Finklestein, for some reason.

The green alien chick is pretty, exotically alluring. But what the heck is up with that large… girl? Guy? I can’t even really tell. But this explains where all the girls in the universe ended up. Jabba bought them all. …that’s a pretty lucrative way to make an empire of crime, I guess. Own every girl in the galaxy.

…what is up with the overly excited flea thing?

…aw. Poor slave girl.

Wait, I thought 3PO said Chewbacca went to Tatooine and never came back. Did he seriously get captured by some guy in a gas mask? Unless that’s Psycho Mantis, I don’t see how that’s possible.

Why’s Boba hanging out at Jabba’s anyway? Is this the more wretched hive of scum and villany that Obi-Wan said Luke could never find? …or maybe it’s just the best club in the galaxy and he got bored.

Hey, I recognize that guard! It’s the only black guy in the galaxy, Lando! …wow, Lucas is not big on human minorities in these movies, huh?

Ooh, gas mask guy is here to free Han. I guess it’s Luke in disguise, based on the scrolly text and the whole, “Here, take my droids” thing.

Man, masks just screw with everybody’s voices in this galaxy, don’t they.

Oops, not Luke. Just his sexy relative. It’s nice to know that there’s a human other than Anakin that can speak an alien language as opposed to just understand it.

Man, Jabba doesn’t know how to wipe his mouth, does he? But he does know opportunity when he sees it. “Oh, hey! A girl I missed! Mine now.”

“I will hug him and pet him and love him and call his name Han.”

Ooh, someone that can use the Force. WHO COULD IT BE?!

Why does everyone repeat what they’re manipulated into believing? Seems weird.

Ah. Now I understand the overly sexy Leia on the DVD.

Luke has finally reached his father’s level in power. …Or, well… arrogance.

“Haha! Look at Bob, about to get savagely eaten! What a failure. I’m totally taking his office.”

Luke’s doing pretty good against this big thing. I half expected him to try and hit the thing with that bone.

…why isn’t he using the Force at all? Like, to lift the door? Or do a major Force choke?

…well, that ending made some people upset. …who the heck is the shirtless guy, and why is crying? Was that thing his pet? …Really, his pet?

I’m guessing that little rat thing is Jabba’s crazy laughter machine, to double with his own evil laughter.

R2 is a waiter on Jabba’s sand yacht? That sucks. But proves he can pretty much do anything.

I kinda like that blue elephant playing the… whatever that is. Let’s call it a spaceCasio.

…is that Audrey from “Little Shop of Horrors”’s cousin or something? …how does one get digested over 1000 years, anyway?

…and once again, everyone has crappy reactions, as Luke waits, like, 30 seconds for that lightsaber to fall. …how the heck did Luke know R2 would be put on the barge, anyway?

…oh, dude. That is the most embarrassing way for Boba to die. That’s just depressing.

…did Leia just choke Jabba to death? With a neck that big, I would’ve thought it would be a bit harder. Still, pretty bamf.

Did someone tell Han that Lando wasn’t a big jerk? Because I thought, last Han saw Lando, he thought Lando sucked.

…I do believe Luke and Leia just killed all the women in the galaxy that aren’t Leia. Sucks for them. Aw, they blew up the blue elephant, too! Crap.

It’s inspection time! Prepare for things to get creepy.

Well, at least Luke learned how to land on Dagobah.

Don’t worry, Yoda. You may be old, but it’s time for you to kick some butt! …right? …wait, forever sleep? That sounds bad.

I like that Yoda’s dying thoughts include, “You, a Jedi? HA!”

Well, it’s nice that Yoda’s finally being straight with Luke, since everyone else has kind of dragged him through a tiny web of lies.

I don’t see why Yoda’s so worried about Luke turning. He doesn’t seem to be nearly as big a tool as Anakin was.

Why was Yoda in such a rush to say all those things before he died? Couldn’t he do the whole ghost thing, just come back that way?

…why is it that Yoda and Obi-Wan disappeared when they died, but Qui-Gon and the other Jedi didn’t? Are Yoda and Obi-Wan relatives of those Mystics or whatever from “The Dark Crystal”?

Nice attempt to backpedal and make excuses, Obi-Wan.

…I thought Qui-Gon taught him at first, and you just thought Anakin was a waste of space, Obi-Wan.

Well, Luke now knows Leia’s his sister. …He probably has some things he really needs to think about.


…who’s running Cloud City while Lando’s off gallivanting?

Oh, wow. Another chick. There’s hope for you yet, Luke. Grab her while you can, man.

…are Bothans spies in this universe or something?

…really, there’s another hole? The Empire really needs to look into caulk. …lots and lots of caulk.

Alright, the gang is back together! …and if Leia’s reaction to the look on Luke’s face is any accurate, it seems Luke’s been doing some of that thinking.

…yeah, Lando probably shouldn’t have promised a lack of scratching.

Han seems to be more attached to his ship than his woman. That’s slightly obsessive.

Who are those other wrinkly people near Palpatine? Are they family or something?

There are a lot of optimists in this galaxy.

“Fly casually,” eh? Just fly with your hands in your pockets, Chewie.

Man, Han has more false confidence than anyone I know. “It’ll work! Totally! Maybe! Probably not! But totally!”

…Han and Chewie on a stealth mission? …does anyone remember how things went in Episode IV?

Wow, Han was actually doing really well until he stepped on the world’s LOUDEST TWIG.

As obviously green-screened as this scene is, it’s still pretty cool. Like light bikes from “Tron”. Only without the lights.

Aaaand that’s why you should keep your eyes on the road, kids. …why exactly where those storm troopers out in the middle of nowhere, anyway? They’ve been flying/driving for a while and getting nowhere.

A teddy bear with primitive weaponry. …Wait, are these guys going to be the things with the primitive weapons that I said the Empire was likely to get screwed over by due to a lack of experience against them? …AND they’re the only cute aliens in the galaxy? …Me gusta.

That looks like the most depressingly bland rice cracker ever.

Okay, I swear that little bear is saying “Eat your mama.” That’s weird.

…man, those stormtroopers are really undisciplined. A slap on the leg and you take your eyes off your prisoner?

Palpatine: “Yeah, I read the script. Well, most of it. The parts I thought I should know about, at least.” I wonder how he foresaw Luke coming to Vader but not Luke being on the moon.

More primitive weaponry, which only R2 seems to be able to fight against.

Aw, Luke and Han know that they’re the cutest aliens in the galaxy, too. “Han, don’t shoot them! We can’t let this place be overrun by ugly and/or badass aliens!”

Okay, I totally just heard “That guy’s wise, love the shorts.” What the hey?

“It’s against my programming to impersonate a deity.” But it’s totally within his programming to allow people to treat him like one, let his friends probably get eaten, be paranoid, feel pain… …who the hell programmed him?


Whistle while you prepare the feast… Doo-dah-doo-dah-doo-dah-doo.

What type of people refuse to listen to someone they think is a god? Have they no fear? …oh, no, they have fear.


Well, R2 doesn’t seem to like to be tied up for some reason.

Story time with your god! …this culture must have the weirdest mythology.

Why are Han and the group listening to this? I thought they couldn’t understand the language.

Dance party! Also, looks like Han will be an adopted father before this is done.

Oh, Han. The double standards.

I would say immediately after childbirth is, in fact, very young, yes. Unless she’s thinking of Bail Organa’s wife.

Wow, Leia looks a little disgusted to learn Luke is Vader’s son. …and a little nonchalant about the brother-sister thing. Wait, somehow you’ve always known? Even during the flirting and kissing? …that’s weird.

Oh, man. Luke’s going to be one of those people who won’t leave an unhealthy relationship because he thinks he can save the other person, isn’t he?

Aw, Han. Don’t be jealous. You’ve made out with Leia far more than she will ever want to think about making out with Luke ever again. …probably.

You are sounding really hopeful, Luke.

Wait, making a lightsaber is all you need to finish out your skill set?

I’m wondering, do Jedi and Sith believe in free will, or is everything fate and destiny?

Okay, Anakin clearly wants to just play catch with his son. Yes, I’m still calling him Anakin, because I know it would tick him off. …which is a great idea. Maybe I should start calling him Vader instead…

…why the heck are you zigzagging already, Lando? Drunk driver.

Dude, Lando. He said on HIS mark, not to just go whenever it pleased you. Man, such a jerk.

Haha! Bear’s like, “Dude. Got me a new bike. WOO.”

…really, the shoulder tapping thing? Wow.

Aw, man. Emperor’s going to do his creepy bad touch thing again, isn’t he? At least his face looks less frightening.

Wait, didn’t you have a lightsaber too, Palpatine? So, it’s not really just a Jedi weapon…

Wow, you’re a bit of an arrogant dick, huh, Palpatine? …probably have a bit of a reason to be, though…

That guy seemed like he was so excited to say his only line. “You Rebel scum.” You go, guy, ham that up.

It is indeed a trap, my fishy friend.

…I’m really uncomfortable hearing Palpatine talking about anything swelling. Really, I’m just uncomfortable hearing him talk, because he always makes it sound so very bad touch.

No, 3PO, they probably weren’t looking for you. But it’s interesting to see 3PO grow enough robo balls to be used as bait.

Bows, arrows, rocks and sticks. TOTALLY CALLED THIS. And I’m perfectly okay with it.

This is kind of the Star Wars version of that quiz telling you how many 6-year-olds you could beat in a fight. Some of those tactics work… some, not so much. Poor glider guy. Rocks just won’t cut it against a tank.

Ooh, stock footage.

Can your cruisers dodge firepower of that obviousness? I doubt it, though. Those big ships move really slowly.

…one of the teddy bears died. That’s, like, the saddest thing that’s happened in any of the movies.

Oh, looks like I was wrong about the minorities. I saw a black guy and an Asian guy just before they blew up.

Cue Palpatine poking Luke with a stick. Repeatedly.

Okay, the laughing without moving your mouth thing? Also creepy. Everything you do, Palpatine? Creepy.

How the heck does Chewie know the Tarzan scream?

Dude, I think that one guy was petting Chewie, like “Good boy! Kill them stormtroopers!”

Han: “You have a gun and you’re going to be sneaky and shoot these guys? …Biggest. Turn on. Ever.”

Wow. Vader certainly knows how to fall down stairs in style.

Wait, when did Vader pick his lightsaber back up? Unless he has a boomerang saber. If so, AWESOME. Also, probably dangerous as hell to use.

Man, all these treacherous thoughts. It’s crazy.

Wow. Luke kind of lost it when his sister was brought in the equation. He’s just hitting everything (which, strangely, isn’t being cut). But I like the music for this fight better than the music for that Episode I fight. Sounds more like a struggle between good and evil sort of thing.

Man, Anakin just has no luck with his hands staying on his body, does he?

Ah, the return of Emperor Lightninghands. Probably should have had Yoda teach you how to catch that stuff, guy. …but Luke certainly can take some punishment. Mace Windu didn’t even last this long.

Come on, Anakin. Don’t let the old man kill your kid. Think about it… think about it… YEAH. You rock.

WOAH. Is that what happens when Sith die? That was, like, a gigantic jet of spirit flame or something. Or a really big fart. Appropriate death for the really old fart.

Wow. This hole is big enough for ships to fit in. At least the last one could only fit a missile in it.

Well, that’s one way kamikaze fighting can work… What the heck did that Star Destroyer land on, anyway?

…how does Luke know Vader will die without the mask? Just because Obi-Wan told him he’s more machine than man now?

Yeah… Anakin didn’t really fare too well after that whole lava thing, huh.

Alright, time to make Death Star Mark III.

Uh-oh, Han’s getting jealous again. Teehee. It’s funny.

Looks like Han is remembering the whole kissing Luke thing right now.

And Vader gets burned just like Qui-Gon. What is up with the whole body disappearing thing for only some?

…wait, that’s the end of things? Yes, you killed the bosses, took out another Death Star… but what about the people that are inevitably going to try to snatch power? What about all the governors of the planets?

Wait, was that Naboo?

Using the skulls of your enemies as drums is a little macabre for things that cute to be doing. But they certainly can dance.

…why the heck do Obi-Wan and Yoda look like they did when they died, but not Anakin? Why does he look like he did back when he was a whiny dick? WHY IS THIS SO INCONSISTENT?!

…but it’s still pretty good. Though there’s clearly room for subsequent episodes. …wonder why those haven’t been made yet?

And thus concludes my second first time watching through the Star Wars series. Let me make a note that I really don’t want Lucas making episodes VII, VIII and IX. Not just because the extended universe has been slowly turned into a raging pile of crap, but also because the movies Lucas most strongly had his hands all over were really mostly quite awful. Episode I is definitely my favorite of the prequels, but it almost gets that status by default since it’s the only one that doesn’t make me convulse. Anyway, I’m sure to return to this segment again. Suggest a series for me to do, if you’d like. Series or singular movie. I might go with “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” next, simply because it’s been forever since I’ve seen that movie, and I barely remember anything.

Oh, one more thing. This video rather wraps up what I suggested Han might be thinking about in that scene near to the end. You may find it entertaining.

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