Second First Time Viewer – Revenge of the Sith

“Revenge of the Sith.” The final film in the Terrible Trilogy. Thank God. Seeing these movies once was bad enough. How we struggle for our art.

Alright. “Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.” Finally, we get to find out what the Sith have to get revenge against the Jedi and/or world for. That thing that Darth Maul mentioned way back in Episode I. A bit of a long wait for a payoff, but I suppose it’s alright. And as bad as the last movie was, I have high hopes for this one. That last one was just this series’ “Temple of Doom” or “Return of Jafar.” The second one is always the weakest in a series/trilogy. …except Star Trek. Weakest was probably that last one before the reboot… “Star Trek: Nemesis” or whatnot. Anyway, high hopes.

This time, I’m told by the scrolly wall of text that there is a war. In fact, the first sentence is “War!” …Yay. Well, war, and apparently we’re starting with a kidnapping, so it could be fun.

Ooh. Pretty lights and explosions. A proper dogfight to be sure. …including fireworks at times, it seems. It’s a good thing their desire to show off how pretty they make things is coupled by them actually making things look pretty.

I’m going to assume Obi-Wan’s statement about how easy things are going to be was sarcasm… but it’s hard to gauge emotion when working off of Christenson.

Buzz droids are clearly the cutest little enemies ever. I guess it does suck when your enemies don’t need to actually breath to do stuff in space.

…are we seriously watching a fight between R2-D2 and a droid? It’s the space equivalent of a thumb war. And, seriously, I don’t understand the sentience level of droids in this universe. Does encouragement help their programming?

Okay, R2 is like a Swiss Army droid. And this new droid guy apparently has a nasty cough. …how the heck? Doesn’t that require lungs?

…did they change the voices of the droids? They sound more idiotic than ever before. …I seriously hope this isn’t another example of attempted comedy. …but, judging by the droids that couldn’t move out of the way of an elevator and the robot urine R2 just hit those other droids with… oh, that was gasoline? That was a pretty cool method of execution. R2 has the most badass kills so far.

Sweet, Christopher Lee is back. The battle should be good.

Okay, well, that battle was short. Again. …bye, one of the better actors in this series so far… …and has Palpatine increased in levels of super creepy? I’m starting to wonder if Palpatine’s all that good of a guy. Especially with the “leave him behind” attitude he was showing. Clearly, he’s never watched “Saving Private Ryan.”

Wow, it’s a good thing that door was open. Otherwise, we’d have a bit of a Jedi pancake.

…what’s special about these shields? And why are the robots all so much more agile in this movie?

Man, everyone has horrendous reaction times. Someone probably have shot the prisoners the moment someone moved. Or should’ve had a gun to their heads. Anything but stand there and let the people that have the ability to grab crap from a distance have free reign.

Didn’t the half of the ship they lost have all of the engines and brakes and the like? How the heck are they piloting this hunk of metal at all?

Well, at least Anakin got over his massive hormonal period for this movie. He seems to be more balanced and less arrogant. Which is nice.

Seriously, why does Anakin still have C-3PO? I feel like there was some serious theft going on.

So, Anakin and Padme can’t kiss in public, but they can nuzzle and hug in the dark corners without arousing suspicion?

Oh, snap! Padme’s pregnant! …is the child Anakin’s? I thought he’d been away. Get Maury in here to settle this.

…okay, that was the worst screen fade I’ve seen in a while. Scene shifts should not be treated like opening and closing shutters.

I am not quite getting how a droid is running out of breath and wheezing. It’s really annoying and distracting.

Ugh, hackneyed love dialogue. Better than the last movie, at least.

Oh, my! A crying Padme in the fog… a nightmare! At least this time we get to see the nightmare instead of suffer through hearing Anakin describe it. No, Padme, don’t ASK him to describe it! Jesus, are you crazy?

This Jedi thing of letting go of all things you hold dearest on this earth sounds kind of like some teachings in Buddhism and Christianity. …It’s neat how there are so many cool parallels to philosophy and religion. Too bad there isn’t a deeper look into that sort of stuff.

Oh, Obi-Wan. How could you not trust a politician that’s continually be given more power to do whatever he pleases? He’s even screwing with the Jedi Council now. What a dick.

Oh, snap. Emo Anakin just came back. Thank God that was only a brief flash. Just try to become a Master the way everyone else did, you whiner.

Ah, Anakin’s being asked to be a double agent. …that’ll end well. It’s like Anakin is this movie’s Jar Jar, insofar as things probably aren’t going to end well when he’s involved.

Wouldn’t bringing balance to the Force equalize the good and the evil? Isn’t that what balance is? …man, I thought the Jedi were smart.

Oh, snap. A difference in politics for a married couple? Divorce each other now, before another election tears you two apart!

…man, Anakin is really not showing any affection toward Padme whatsoever.

…I can’t tell if they’re watching a space opera or a game of blitzball. I feel like Lincoln’s assassination would have been quite different if he’d been watching this… whatever it is.

I wonder how Palpatine knows so much about the Sith. He seems rather educated about these matters. And if the Jedi only care about themselves, Anakin’s doing a poor job of it.

…okay, that was not subtle at all. “Hey, Anakin. Did you know the Dark Side has some serious necromancy going on? It can even stop death. Just in case you have anyone you care about and don’t want to die. Just sayin’.”

Picking Obi-Wan over Anakin? That’ll really help his mental stability.

Also, these Wookies seem really cool. They’re like bear orangutans. Beargutans. With laser crossbows.

Wait, is Anakin still a Padawan? What happened to the uniform and the haircut? Or is the robe supposed to represent his growing darkness? …sadly, it’s probably the later. This series has been pretty big on being heavy handed as hell.

Oh, snap, another vision… and Padme’s with another man this time. Seriously, get Maury in. Obi-Wan being the father seems like a twist this movie would be willing to take. It is doing better than last movie so far, though, so there’s that.

…there’s an easy way to save Padme from your nightmares. Don’t bludgeon her with them.

…okay, the creepy guy that got a little too excited while shaving doesn’t really get the whole being secret thing, I don’t think. Either that or the droids don’t get the whole “holding hostages” thing.

Dude, Obi-Wan is riding one of those lizards from Australia, a la “Rescuers Down Under.” I like it.

…okay, Obi-Wan really should have foregone the drama and gone with assassination from above. At least, that’s my opinion. I think being arrogant is usually a bad idea. But maybe he thought fighting a four lightsaber helicopter thing was a good idea. …how fortunate for Obi-Wan that Grievous really sucks at using the swords. Seriously, four lightsabers and he can’t even get a hit in?

…that zoom in to the eyes thing was weird. And a little gross, considering Grievous’ eyes.

And now, lizard v. wheel with legs! …and now a clone has a lightsaber. Potentially not a good thing.

Dude, is Mace Windu suggesting the Jedi should rule the universe? Where the heck did all their morals and ethics go? Man, these people are all so easily manipulated, despite years of training on how not to be manipulated.

Alright. Well, Palpatine is certainly laying all his cards on the table. Anakin should probably let the Jedi Council know about all this stuff. But Anakin is more easily manipulated than a child bribed with candies. So that’s not likely to happen.

And we go back to discover that lizard beats wheel with legs! Go lizard! …oh. Never mind. Bye, I guess.

So, why can’t Obi-Wan use the Force to just tear Grievous apart or something? …and, oh gross. Grievous has human parts. …that catch fire? …Man, that’s confusing.

Wait, Anakin actually is telling the Jedi Council? …dude. My bad. I was completely wrong. …Well, it’s nice that things aren’t as predictable anymore. Except the scene changes, they’re still predictably crappy.

Long distance manipulation! Palpatine’s good at this. Got to give credit where it’s due.

Who the hell did Mace Windu bring on this arresting mission? It’s like they WANTED to die immediately. Or they were appropriately freaked out by the corkscrewing old man making the creepiest sounds ever. And the creepiest faces.

…I never want to see that freaking “No, no” scene again. That was just awkward. …but not as awkward as Palpatine becoming a wrinkly raisin man. A creepy as balls raisin man.

…this scene is all sorts of awkward. Like, I’m just disturbed by everything that’s going on here. And, good Lord, Anakin’s more wishy-washy than Charlie Brown.

WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT VOICE? This is seriously creepy as hell. Uncomfortably so.

…man, Anakin is not only wishy-washy and completely unable to figure out what he wants, but he’s really wooden with this entire scene. …not that I’ve been expecting much else.

Why do the Sith get new names? It’s neat, I guess. But what’s the method to the madness? Sidious, Tyrannus, those sound dark and evil. Vader? Sounds like a washed up 80s pop singer.

Man. Anakin used to be all about protecting Obi-Wan. He’s really abandoning his character completely, isn’t he?

…so, are the Sith getting revenge against everyone because they’re not in power? …that’s not a reason for revenge. That’s just being power hungry.

Sweet, lizard’s back! He’s my favorite character from this movie for sure.

Huh. The lightsaber wasn’t the terribly awkward plot point I thought it’d be.

…oh, snap. I’m sensing some major Jedi genocide going on. …and of course they completely overkill the chick Jedi. Man. If only Jedi could tell what people are thinking or something. But maybe clones are immune to being mind read? It’d be great if there were explanations given instead of my having to guess everything…

…oh, crap. Anakin’s going to kill the cute little British kid. He’s going to kill the younglings. He’s really just completely abandoned his moral code, hasn’t he.

Dude! That little kid Jedi kicked WAY more butt than most of the Jedi Masters did. …why the heck were they all so pathetic?

Okay, so a couple of Wookies get names. Does that make them important? It made Padme important. Maybe they show up last minute to kick some serious tail?

Ah, finally Bail Organa is actually being somewhat important. He’s been hanging around so often, I was starting to wonder if he’d actually do something. Other than hang around in the background, of course.

…wow, Anakin’s already manipulating the history of events to feel more comfortable about what he’s done/doing. What an amazing politician he’d’ve made.

Dude. A lava planet. Don’t touch it. You’ll die.

Hum dum, intrigue, cloak and dagger… they should cut back to night, makes things seem cooler.

Are those mice droids or something? …What the heck’s the point of them, other than to run in fear?

Dude. Yoda just threw his freaking lightsaber into a clone. That’s pretty awesome. …the dead kids, not so much.

At least this movie is taking death a bit more seriously than the previous films.

Okay, what’s with the eyes? Those’re like the same eyes General Grievous had. Is that just a bad guy thing?

…okay, I’ll admit, I like that line. “So this is how liberty dies. To the sound of thunderous applause.” It’s much better than the writing from last movie. And most of the rest of this movie.

You can’t watch anymore, Obi-Wan? Dude, you wimp. You watched like 30 seconds.

Why is no one asking the super preggers Padme who the dad is?

Oh, you watched 30 seconds of the slaughter of children. My bad. I take back what I said before, Obi-Wan. You’re cool.

Oh, there’s the question. My bad part two, Obi-Wan. You’re a sharp feller, aren’tcha?

And of course Obi-Wan hitches a ride. Because he and Yoda seem to be the only two people in this universe that aren’t complete morons. Well, him, Yoda and Palpatine, to be fair.

…okay, we’re getting really heavy handed with this darkness motif on Anakin. But, hey, what else should I expect?

How in God’s name is super-pregnant girl able to run like that? Isn’t she, like, really near giving birth?

…wow, does Anakin really hear what he’s saying? Or understand how to express emotion appropriately? …also, is he sane? …nope. He doesn’t seem to be sane even at all.

…God, the acting here is just… Wow. Coupled with Anakin going back to being crazy, this scene is nearing Episode II levels of bad. Bring us back, guys. Don’t go back to the horrendous crap that was Episode II.

Political philosophy… moral philosophy… All so quickly brushed past. So sad, really.

Dude, Yoda! What happened to being able to catch lightning? Come on, muppetman, keep it together!

At least we’re getting some good battles again. …though the symbolism of the fight for democracy taking place in the Senate chambers is a bit much. …and, okay, I think Obi-Wan and Anakin are showing off to one another now more than fighting.

Those little pods could be used for the best game of Ultimate Frisbee ever.

Dude. The old man noises Palpatine keeps making don’t really inspire fear in me. They make me think he’s about to crap his pants on accident or something. Not really something an emperor should be doing.

Okay, random thought… but wouldn’t all that lava be toasting the ever living crap out of Anakin and Obi-Wan? Are Jedi and Sith heat resistant?

Wait, why the heck do you need to go into exile, Yoda? Just because you failed this time doesn’t mean you can’t, I dunno, try again later with better planning and more people helping you. Like, I dunno, form a rebellion or something. Why is everyone so eager to make such dramatic jumps in this universe?

…Anakin. You were a Jedi. Did you think you were evil? Seriously, how the heck did he completely change life philosophies in a 24 hour time period?

…why does having the high ground end things? Seriously. It’s not like he could’ve, I dunno, Force pushed you. And why did no one else ever cut at the jumpy person’s legs? The jump over you technique was used all the time…

…man, now Obi-Wan is using the L-word. This series is making love really awkward. Also, Obi-Wan should really be killing Anakin and putting him out of his misery. Also, making sure he’s for reals dead. Because not checking that stuff usually bites you in the ass.

Well, at least Anakin represents his acting abilities now. A dried up, burnt out almost person. And, oh look. Palpatine found him. Looks like it’s ass-biting time.

Aw, Anakin and Padme are going to the hospital at the same time in opposite corners of the galaxy. True love. Screaming agony included.

What the heck is ooba, and why does the medical droid want it so badly?

Okay, with that outfit and the loud, angry breathing, Anakin is officially more intimidating than he ever was previously. …and more intimidating than Palpatine has been so far.

Wow. Palpatine’s a bit of a dick. Still. Wonder why Vader hasn’t killed him in anger yet? …and, okay, giant “Nooo!” followed by another stupid scene wipe is really dumb.

Wait, Qui-Gon’s alive again? And immortal? Or something? …are they going to actually show him, or is this another thing I just need to use my wild mass guessing for?

…when did the empire find time to make uniforms and recruit not-clones? It’s been, like, maybe a week. Since the Senate had no army until the clone army, where the heck did these other military people come from, with ranks and everything, it looks like? Oh, look, that ball. …probably not a nuke, then.

…and the explanation of why the Sith want revenge as opposed to power was never explained. Wonderful. What the heck.

Oh, well. I assume the next movies will focus on the kids or something. Babies don’t tend to appear out of nowhere for no reason whatsoever. Still, there’s a lot of questions to answer. …and this series seems to enjoy taking its time getting to the answers. At least this movie wasn’t gut-wrenchingly horrendous like the last one was. The crappy humor was done 30 minutes in, the writing had some high points, and Christensen’s acting wasn’t anger-inducing until the very end there.

Surprisingly, I find I didn’t hate this movie as much as I thought I would based on how I remembered it. I think this trilogy is like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies to me. The second one was so upsetting I lost all hope for the third one and just wept inside. Thank God the next films are much easier on the senses. And brain. And everything. But shh. I’m not supposed to know that yet.

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